This is my life

I'm leaving for Costa Rica in 12 days. I will be there for a little over a month, taking Spanish class and having the adventure of a lifetime.

I have a boy who told me that he wants us to be exclusive for the summer, come back in the fall and make everything official. He goes out of his way to talk to me, he's taken me on dates, and he wants to be around me as much as I want to be around him.

I have officially earned enough money to pay for my trip to Costa Rica. I worked my butt off for the last semester, and it has actually paid off.

I unpacked a semester's worth of crap in under two days. Boo yahhh.

I'm laying in my ginormous bed contemplating whether I want to swim and then read out in the sun tomorrow, or read in the sun and then swim. Right?

Life is good.

When you least expect it...

Well what do ya know? I stop looking, I get frustrated and mad at myself and POOF! Something with potential. A boy with potential. I am now 100% a believer that these things happen when you least expect it; because clearly, by my last post, I was absolutely not expecting this. If you don't want to listen to me be a giddy girl, stop reading right.....now.


My mind is absolutely blown. I'm still having a rough time with accepting that it's okay for someone to actually be this nice to me. Like, it's okay for me to have butterflies and want to talk to someone. I don't absolutely have to be as independent as I have been for the last few months. I deserve to be treated respectfully by a boy, not as a convenience but as a valued part of someone's day. We've done absolutely nothing but hang out and talk and get to know each other. It started with a group of people, and now we're pretty comfortable just hanging out by ourselves. And as much as a part of me is sometimes like, "Oh my gosh, this is moving so slowly," I'm glad that it is. I'm not in a rush for anything. I don't want a strong commitment right now - I'm about to spend a month of my life having the time of my life in Costa Rica. But I just feel so comfortable; I don't feel like I have to try and be someone I'm not. I don't feel like I have to dress to impress all the time. My roommate was joking with me today before he came over with help on homework and she said, "You're nervous!" and I replied with, "No, I'm not nervous at all and that's the part that's really strange!" Conversation flows easily. He can take my sass and he can dish it back at me, without being a douche bag about it. We can be serious and we can be funny.

Don't worry. I'm not getting ahead of myself. I do realize school is over in two weeks and that I'm leaving for Costa Rica in four. But I'm also not counting this one out entirely. Yeah...there's not a lot of time left now, but you never know what could happen in the next semester, right? Maybe it will be worth waiting the whole summer for. Or maybe it won't. You can't know for certain; it just takes time. I've just got a good feeling.

It still makes me nervous that I feel this way sometimes. I still get a little inkling to run because I know that I'm making myself vulnerable to be hurt. But even if I do get hurt...I lived through the first couple and I can make it through another one, if I have to. I know I can. I just gotta keep reminding myself of that. And I gotta remember to just take it one. day. at. a. time.

But in the mean time....EEEEEP!!!!! :D

A Little Bit of a Crossroads

This is going to be a strange post. I feel a little bit weird even writing it down because it's something my brain hasn't even fully acknowledged up until quite recently. But it's a journey in my life, so therefore I think it's something that I should have written down, at least once. This is going to start with some really random and unexpected stuff, but I can pretty much promise it won't end the way you'd assume it would.

For the past few weeks, I've been having dreams about my ex-boyfriend. Dreams where he's trying to win me back, willing to do whatever it takes to be with me again. And in my dreams, there is not a doubt in my mind (dream mind and real mind) that I would not take him back no matter what he did. Of course, I have a hard time being mean to him, although he deserves it more than anyone else I know, but my lack of directness with him in these dreams is never confused with uncertainty about my feelings for him. When I woke up after the first one, I was pretty proud. I gave myself a pat on the back and said, "Hell no, we'd never take that stranger back!" But then it happened again - different scene, same concept. And again. And again. And again.

So then I just got frustrated. Why is this happening? Why now? I don't ever see him, I very rarely think of him, and not once have I missed him. So why all these dreams? I don't have an answer to that (see, not the conclusion you were expecting).

The only thing I can think of that could be even remotely related is my recent adventures into the inner workings of my mind that have brought up my issues with trust of the male species. And generally, that lack of trust is something that he as a symbol is representative of. Possibly? Sounds at least a little logical, right?

I'm gaining confidence in all aspects of my life. I love myself, I love who I am, and I love the potential I see for myself in the future. But I still grapple almost daily with the ability to trust. Let's be honest, I fight myself to convince myself to even believe the people that are closest to me. And it's always the boys. I don't know...my skepticism doesn't fit with the rest of my life and my character. It doesn't make sense to me, so I don't even know where to start to make it better.

I've been writing this post for a couple days. Because it's hard for me to figure out what to say, it's hard for me to understand, and I feel like I should have come up with some sort of solution by now. But I haven't. I'm over the first boy, but I'm left with all this baggage that I don't know what to do with. Just yesterday I confidently had a conversation with a boy who I had a little spark for; but I'm already in the process of convincing myself that there's no potential and that I don't really even like him even a little. The same as always.

I don't know where to begin. So rather than begin, I just keep to myself and let it all pass by.

I'm sick and I'm tired and I'm mad at myself. Hmph.

Extended Absence

Guess what?? That time of the year where I have to abandon my blogging for term papers and projects and reading snuck up on me this year! Or maybe it just started earlier than normal. Hm. Well either way, the last few weeks have not been without their challenges, but I'm enjoying the semi-calm of spring break this week and preparing myself for the storm ahead.

I was in some rough patches, some doubts, the last couple of times I wrote. I had to go back and read them. Something had shaken me, I don't know if it was something specific or I was just feeling mentally week, but something was off. Either way, I got over that since then. I'm feeling good again. I'm feeling blessed. The dullness of everyday life is still there, but I know with time, adventure will come. And for the time being, I just need to make the best of what I have and make it through the rough stuff so that I can enjoy the future. :)

Remember when I posted about the potential of living by myself, and how it was and idea I'd been playing with? Well, between house-sitting and spring break, I've gotten a chance to really try that idea out. And...I think I'm sold. It's great. It's relaxing and quiet and clean. I just feel like so much of my life is LOUD and CHAOTIC that it's nice to come home in the afternoon and just have peace and quiet. Don't get me wrong, I love my roommates, but having my own space is ingrained in me. I never shared a room as a child because it was just me; I was thrown into school where I lived with three other girls and I adjusted better than many people expected me too. But I really do love my independence. And it just feels so much more free when it's just me. I'm going to enjoy it for the next few days, that's for sure.

You'll have to forgive me if the next four weeks don't involve a lot of writing. I will come back, I love it too much to stop. It's not that I don't have things to say - I always have things to say and thoughts running through my mind - I just don't always have the time to write them down.

Get a Grip

Just when I thought that it was all over and I was moving on because it was required to happen; it was the only option - something changes again. And the one dysfunctional relationship I keep wishing to NOT happen in my favor, continues to do so. What are the odds?

I've had John Mayer's "Half of My Heart," stuck in my head since I woke up this morning. Coincidence? I think not. That's exactly how this relationship makes me feel. Like only half of my heart is invested in it. And the other half is skeptical and undetermined and closed off. Half of my heart adores the nights spent staying up late, talking about life, falling asleep feeling safe and protected. But the other half is turned off by the history, the life choices, and the next days. I war I thought I had gotten rid of, only to resurface about 2 months later when the military decides to be nice to me and the people in my life. THE ONE TIME that I would rather it be mean and brutal to my relationships with people, it goes the opposite way.

Philosopher me wants to say: so is that a sign? Rational me says: no that's just life. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know and it is driving me bonkers.

On the Flip Side

After that last post from over the weekend, this week has been reminding me that I need to count my blessings; and I was lucky enough to add some more to the list.

I had a midterm presentation last week, and for the first time in my whole entire academic career, I got comments that said things like, "Spoke confidently," and "Seemed comfortable speaking to the group." It doesn't sound like a big deal, and at face value it really isn't. But if you know me, and you know where I used to be, you'd understand. If you knew how my insecurities used to paralyze me when I stood up in front of a class to give presentations, you'd understand. If you knew what a journey it has been over the last year for me to learn how to love and accept myself, you'd understand. You'd understand what an impact a simple comment like that has on my self-perception. It's kind of like someone saying, "Here, you've worked so hard and now you get a bowl of ice cream." I am proud of myself, because I think I've come a long way...and things like that are really affirmations that it is a visible change in my demeanor and the way I carry myself.

My best friend is home. :) Have you ever had one of those people in your life...where all they have to do is walk in a room and instantly everything feels better? That's what it's like. I may only see him for short periods of time, and those times may be only three times a year...but that's okay. Because nothing changes...the support and the love are there no matter where in the world he is and no matter where in the world I am. I'm a lucky girl, and I'm thankful to have him in my life every day.

In addition to those two spirit-lifting events in my life, I have been nothing short of blessed by my good friend Cortney. Early in the semester she asked if I would come to the pool early and kind of coach her, mostly help her stay on task and spice up the workouts a little while she trains for the 2012 Para-Olympics. Just this last week, she informed me that she would like to pay me for my services, because she heard that I was looking for another job to supplement my income to help pay for my studies in Costa Rica this summer. Stunned, I told her I appreciated it, but she didn't have to do that. She insisted, saying that she wants to help support me and my learning and my goals to become a better teacher. I was speechless. I still am. "Thank you," seems inadequate.

Bad days and low moments are acceptable. As long as I remember all the beautiful things I have to lift me up. :)

Restless

I used to say that I went through phases of this. But those phases have gotten consistently longer until they eventually blended into a normalcy for my life. Restless is my constant companion. I'd like to attribute him to my knowledge of the upcoming Costa Rica trip, but I don't really know that it's just that. I have other things that I've been dwelling on that he takes as an open invitation to curl up next to my feet as I methodically work my way through homework and studying and projects and work.

Part of it is, I don't know where home is. That's a new one for me. Freshman and sophomore year of college, when I'd go back to my parents' house, I felt that that was home; that was where I belonged. But last summer, something changed. And this year has been different. When I'm at school, I want to go home. But when I'm at home, I want to be at school. Which, by using deductive reasoning, tells me that I don't really want to be at either place. I love my parents and I have both fond and not-so-fond memories of the town I grew up in - I have no hostility toward that. But I feel that I have outgrown it. That is my parents' home, a place that I go to visit. A school is a place that I go to learn, but it is only temporary.

And that makes me feel stuck. And there is nothing I hate more than being stuck. I want to move, I want to grow, I want to try new things, I want to act spontaneously, I want to love and be loved, I want to be challenged. I am so unchallenged right now that it sometimes makes me ache. Every day is the same stuff, but at this point, I don't really have a choice to drastically change that. I mean, I can make little changes, but I have to get my degree, I have to finish school so that I can have the life I want. And the little changes don't make me feel any less stuck.

I need my own home. But I don't know where that is. I want to go find it. But I'm tied to this temporary place because I want a specific future for myself that I know will present me with challenges daily. Who knew the road to the career with endless challenges would be so drab? I'm lacking a sense of belonging and I think that is what is truly making me restless. I'm happy with myself and the choices I've made and the person I'm becoming. And I'm proud of myself. But I am desperately in need of some spice, some variety, something to break this damn monotony that I've been circling around for the past year.

Imagine you're stuck in a desert and you've been walking for hours with nothing to drink. Finally, you emerge and find yourself at this restaurant where you order a nice cold glass of water, but the waiter says, "Sorry you can't drink that yet, you have to wait." It's just outside of an arms reach for you, and you just have to stare at it and wait. And wait. And wait. Rough stuff, right? That's me and Costa Rica.

Restless has unpacked his suitcase and set up a bed on my bedroom floor. He knows when I wake up, he knows when I leave, he knows my class schedule, he knows when I work, and he even knows when I go to the gym. He wakes up to my alarm, he follows me out the door, he sits beside me in class, he watches me work, and he chases me...no matter how much I try to run away from him, he's always right there behind me. However, I've heard he has a fear of flying...someone help me get my feet off the ground...