I cried for a solid 40 minutes on my way home from San Diego. And even now, you could probably look at me sideways and I would start all over again. I don't want to be here without Ray. I hate having to force myself to drive away and leave half of my heart in a place where I want so badly to stay. I know it's only 16 more days until he's headed back up here and that's significantly less than the amount of days we just spent apart. I get that. But I don't want to wait anymore days. It's like a little heartbreak every time we pull away from each other and start yet another countdown. So tonight my heart is sad, and it might be tomorrow too. My drive to San Diego is such a different experience than my drive back to Los Angeles - but I want both to always be as fast as possible. On the way there, I can't wait to see the love of my life and explore. Coming home, I want to be out of the car as quickly as possible - like ripping off a band-aid - because the sooner the drive is over, the less I think about how stupid I am for driving away from the most important person in my life and the city that I adore. I'm going to bed now, because although leaving always makes me upset and is always hard...I'd venture to say half of that 40 minutes of waterworks was because I'm totally exhausted.
Back to the real world.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Monday, July 1, 2013
Sometimes, my mind is a conundrum
So remember how a while ago I wrote the post about how I don't deal well with not feeling like I can help someone? It's like...my optimism is so stubborn that it can't let go even when it really should so I get thrown into this whole tailspin where I'm at a total loss.
I was just thinking today, as things got a little stressful and overwhelming and I didn't know what to do - I really feed off the energy of people around me. Even if I'm completely uninvolved in the stressful situation surrounding me, I can sense the stress and before I know it, I'm equally as tense and worked up over something that doesn't even affect me.
But the real conundrum part is that when I'm feeling overwhelmed and stressed about other people's lives, I run to a book to read about someone else's stress via writing to distract myself and settle my mind. I don't make any sense.
I was just thinking today, as things got a little stressful and overwhelming and I didn't know what to do - I really feed off the energy of people around me. Even if I'm completely uninvolved in the stressful situation surrounding me, I can sense the stress and before I know it, I'm equally as tense and worked up over something that doesn't even affect me.
But the real conundrum part is that when I'm feeling overwhelmed and stressed about other people's lives, I run to a book to read about someone else's stress via writing to distract myself and settle my mind. I don't make any sense.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Serenity
I woke up this morning to the sound of a very loud and repetitive harmonica followed by a squealing of, "MOM! Megan is going to squash my harmonica!!" - 7:30 a.m. I opened my door and heard, "Oh! Goooood moooorning Miss Courtney!" - 7:32 a.m. I ate breakfast and enjoyed a few minutes with the kids before they headed off to summer camp. The house instantly becomes quiet - 7:50 a.m. I pour myself a cup of coffee and head out to the sunshine with a book I haven't been able to keep my nose out of (Teaching with Poverty in Mind). I soak in the Vitamin D while filling my brain with ideas and strategies and excitement down to the very last page of the book, and then it is over - 8:25 a.m.
I'm in love with this summer. I'm not working as much as I'm used to in the summers, I'm definitely not living in the quiet household that I typically associate with summertime, I'm not spending as much time with friends (which includes not spending as much money) - but I truly am enjoying every minute of it just the way it is. I'm learning a lot about myself, what I like and what I don't like, what I need and what I don't need, what's important and what's not important, and I'm having loads of time to think about my future and where I'm going and what I want out of life. I don't mind getting up at 6:30am every morning and going to bed at 9:30 every night...it's a beautiful thing actually. I'm utilizing my daylight hours better, I'm soaking in every moment of sunlight and liveliness.
I'm in love with this summer. I'm not working as much as I'm used to in the summers, I'm definitely not living in the quiet household that I typically associate with summertime, I'm not spending as much time with friends (which includes not spending as much money) - but I truly am enjoying every minute of it just the way it is. I'm learning a lot about myself, what I like and what I don't like, what I need and what I don't need, what's important and what's not important, and I'm having loads of time to think about my future and where I'm going and what I want out of life. I don't mind getting up at 6:30am every morning and going to bed at 9:30 every night...it's a beautiful thing actually. I'm utilizing my daylight hours better, I'm soaking in every moment of sunlight and liveliness.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Bye-bye boyfriend :(
Spain is stealing my boyfriend away from me until JULY TWELFTH! Holy cow, forever away, right? But I'm going to try really hard not to be that clinging girlfriend that's like "Talk to me, don't experience your new country because I haven't talked to you since yesterday!" To be honest, that would really irritate me, and Ray was absolutely the best when I was studying abroad last summer. He was there to talk when I had the spare moments to talk, but he wasn't excessively trying to contact me and get me to stay in to talk to him. I'm hoping that I can keep that balance while he's gone too.
There is one big difference though. When I went to Costa Rica, Ray and I had been seeing each other for maybe three weeks and we weren't even officially in a relationship. We were playing everything by ear. With him going to Spain, we've been together for over a year, and we've seen each other almost every day for the last 8 months. You can't tell me that isn't an entirely different situation.
That being said, I'm having a harder time this evening than I was this morning. 6 weeks is a long time and I feel really torn. I'm excited for him to have this new experience, but I'm a little worried too. He is my rock - and like I've said in previous posts, I just know that he's the part of my life that makes the best situations that much better. I want to share everything with him, and I want him to laugh with me and hug me when I get stressed out, because I know that's bound to happen eventually. But now I just have to be patient and go it solo for a while. I know that I can, I just don't necessarily want to.
I miss my bear. :(
There is one big difference though. When I went to Costa Rica, Ray and I had been seeing each other for maybe three weeks and we weren't even officially in a relationship. We were playing everything by ear. With him going to Spain, we've been together for over a year, and we've seen each other almost every day for the last 8 months. You can't tell me that isn't an entirely different situation.
That being said, I'm having a harder time this evening than I was this morning. 6 weeks is a long time and I feel really torn. I'm excited for him to have this new experience, but I'm a little worried too. He is my rock - and like I've said in previous posts, I just know that he's the part of my life that makes the best situations that much better. I want to share everything with him, and I want him to laugh with me and hug me when I get stressed out, because I know that's bound to happen eventually. But now I just have to be patient and go it solo for a while. I know that I can, I just don't necessarily want to.
I miss my bear. :(
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Story of a Swimmer and the Value of a Hug
Here's one of many things I really like about working kids: they are completely unashamed and open with their emotions, even if they have very few ways to express themselves. That's why I think a hug from a child means so much - they don't have very much to give, but that is something they always have to give and it's the thing that means the most for them to give.
I have a little girl on my swim team who has been in my group for about a year. She's eight, but started when she was seven and has never been one of my "stand out swimmers."But she comes to practice regularly and usually has a smile on her face. Her mom says she struggles at school because she gets in trouble often for being too chatty and not paying attention. I see a bit of that at practice, but I also see how capable she is if she sets her mind to something and if she feels that she is experiencing success. It makes me wonder if she's not getting those challenges and that support in her classroom, or if it's just a different environment.
Anyway, her mom recently expressed to me that she was starting to see herself more as a "swimmer," and when other kids talked about their sports, that's how she defined herself. I decided that it was the perfect time to take advantage of this new view of her relationship with the sport, and I met with her to discuss goals. She shared some goals with me and I shared some with her and she said thank you, and walked away. Mom sent me an email the next day telling me how much her daughter enjoyed the meeting and walked away feeling like she had more of a purpose in the pool. Her performances at practice the next few days were stellar.
She swam both days at our meet this weekend and was really focused on each race and performed some of the best races and best stroke techniques I have ever seen from her. Each time she came to see me after a race, I had nothing but praise for her. Even on the race where her goggles fell off and she couldn't see anything for the whole lap, I had compliments for her for continuing to swim and finish the race and for doing her best despite obstacles. She was disappointed in herself after that race, and couldn't understand why everyone was saying "Good job" to her when she felt she didn't do a good job. I think she was able to understand later, but it was almost a good thing that she was disappointed because it showed me and her mom that her races mattered to her and that she cared about what she was doing. Instead of coming to me peppy after each race, she would come to me exhausted, out of breath, but smiling still.
After outstanding races again today, I made sure to compliment her again on a fantastic weekend as she was getting ready to leave, Skittles in hand for a small reward after the bigger rewards coming from her hard work. I was proud and I was impressed and I wanted her to know. Mom and Dad beamed at her and she looked proud of herself, which is my ultimate goal for every swimmer. As I started to walk away, she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big hug; and I just squeezed her close, trying to transfer some of my belief in her into belief in herself and what she is capable of. But that hug meant the world to me because it showed me that something was working. The connection was being made and she didn't know how to acknowledge it besides giving me the best thing she had to offer: a big, grateful, joyous hug.
I have a little girl on my swim team who has been in my group for about a year. She's eight, but started when she was seven and has never been one of my "stand out swimmers."But she comes to practice regularly and usually has a smile on her face. Her mom says she struggles at school because she gets in trouble often for being too chatty and not paying attention. I see a bit of that at practice, but I also see how capable she is if she sets her mind to something and if she feels that she is experiencing success. It makes me wonder if she's not getting those challenges and that support in her classroom, or if it's just a different environment.
Anyway, her mom recently expressed to me that she was starting to see herself more as a "swimmer," and when other kids talked about their sports, that's how she defined herself. I decided that it was the perfect time to take advantage of this new view of her relationship with the sport, and I met with her to discuss goals. She shared some goals with me and I shared some with her and she said thank you, and walked away. Mom sent me an email the next day telling me how much her daughter enjoyed the meeting and walked away feeling like she had more of a purpose in the pool. Her performances at practice the next few days were stellar.
She swam both days at our meet this weekend and was really focused on each race and performed some of the best races and best stroke techniques I have ever seen from her. Each time she came to see me after a race, I had nothing but praise for her. Even on the race where her goggles fell off and she couldn't see anything for the whole lap, I had compliments for her for continuing to swim and finish the race and for doing her best despite obstacles. She was disappointed in herself after that race, and couldn't understand why everyone was saying "Good job" to her when she felt she didn't do a good job. I think she was able to understand later, but it was almost a good thing that she was disappointed because it showed me and her mom that her races mattered to her and that she cared about what she was doing. Instead of coming to me peppy after each race, she would come to me exhausted, out of breath, but smiling still.
After outstanding races again today, I made sure to compliment her again on a fantastic weekend as she was getting ready to leave, Skittles in hand for a small reward after the bigger rewards coming from her hard work. I was proud and I was impressed and I wanted her to know. Mom and Dad beamed at her and she looked proud of herself, which is my ultimate goal for every swimmer. As I started to walk away, she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big hug; and I just squeezed her close, trying to transfer some of my belief in her into belief in herself and what she is capable of. But that hug meant the world to me because it showed me that something was working. The connection was being made and she didn't know how to acknowledge it besides giving me the best thing she had to offer: a big, grateful, joyous hug.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Support Surrounds
I graduated from college a week ago today! It still feels so surreal. People keep asking how it feels to be a college graduate and I honestly reply with, "Mostly I just keep forgetting that it actually happened." I will remember at totally random moments of the day and just be like, "Oh hey self, what's up? You totally have a bachelor's degree," and then go back to feeling no different only moments later.
The most mind-blowing part is that I still have people coming up to me congratulating me on my achievements. People I didn't even think really paid attention to me have come up and offered their congratulations to me. It feels a little overwhelming to know how many people are supporting me and looking forward to hearing about my successes in the years to come. The outpouring of love I have received from family, friends, and even acquaintances still hasn't ended. I've worked hard for a lot of things in my life, but one thing I've never had to work for and have just been blessed with has been the relationships that have developed between me and others over the years. That just makes me feel lucky.
And I'm already being exposed to the support surrounding me as I take my next step into the future by entering the credential program this fall. I had elementary school teachers fighting to get me into the school I have embraced as a family for the last three years, and then teachers involved in deep discussion over who would actually get me as their student teacher. I've had current student teachers that are about to finish the program offer me support and encouragement. And aside from that I have all the other people in my life who are reminding me that I am starting the journey down the career path of my dreams, the job that I was made to do.
Onward I go. Don't leave me know, I wouldn't have made it this far without everyone involved. My success is a compilation of everyone's dedication to helping me achieve my hopes and dreams.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Tonight my heart is heavy.
What do you say to your best friend when he loses the last thing that had strong meaning in his life, the last thing that at multiple points was the only thing keeping him afloat? I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to think. I rarely find myself at a loss for words, but I am finding myself utterly speechless.
I'm having a true moment of questioning myself and the world and everything beyond this world. Because this isn't fair; and it breaks with everything I've ever preached or believed and I'm not quite sure how to handle that. Right now, "handling it" looks a lot like sitting on my bed quietly staring into space and trying to muster up some thought-from-shock to write this blog post. If there is any higher power, why is he making life so hard for this kid? Hasn't he paid enough? Hasn't he gone through enough ups and downs and tragedies to be able to experience some real honest beauty and greatness and luck in life? I don't get it. I don't understand why he's being continually tested beyond the emotional stress capacity of anybody else I know. Why won't the universe give him a break? Why can't he get some of the happiness that he is more than worthy of? I don't get it.
I know he's going to read this. He's pretty much my only audience member. But I still find myself saying, "What do I say?" So:
I love you poohad. I wish everyone else in this wild world could see you the way that I do. I want to keep being optimistic and positive for you, but I also don't know if you really want that right now. I don't know if that will help you. I feel speechless and helpless. I'm going to hold your spirits up high for you, and I'm going to sing you the song in your heart when you are unable to do it yourself. The minute we realized our friendship, I knew I would never leave your side, no matter how ugly or beautiful things got. And things are ugly now, but remember that you are never, ever, ever alone.
I'm having a true moment of questioning myself and the world and everything beyond this world. Because this isn't fair; and it breaks with everything I've ever preached or believed and I'm not quite sure how to handle that. Right now, "handling it" looks a lot like sitting on my bed quietly staring into space and trying to muster up some thought-from-shock to write this blog post. If there is any higher power, why is he making life so hard for this kid? Hasn't he paid enough? Hasn't he gone through enough ups and downs and tragedies to be able to experience some real honest beauty and greatness and luck in life? I don't get it. I don't understand why he's being continually tested beyond the emotional stress capacity of anybody else I know. Why won't the universe give him a break? Why can't he get some of the happiness that he is more than worthy of? I don't get it.
I know he's going to read this. He's pretty much my only audience member. But I still find myself saying, "What do I say?" So:
I love you poohad. I wish everyone else in this wild world could see you the way that I do. I want to keep being optimistic and positive for you, but I also don't know if you really want that right now. I don't know if that will help you. I feel speechless and helpless. I'm going to hold your spirits up high for you, and I'm going to sing you the song in your heart when you are unable to do it yourself. The minute we realized our friendship, I knew I would never leave your side, no matter how ugly or beautiful things got. And things are ugly now, but remember that you are never, ever, ever alone.
"There is something you must always remember:
You are braver than you believe,
Stronger than you seem,
And smarter than you think.
But the most important thing is,
Even if we're apart...
I'll always be with you."
I'm going to go eat away at some sherbet, and I only wish you were here to enjoy it with me. Hugs and love to you mister. I'm holding you in my heart and in my prayers.
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