Hey guess what? YOU missed out.

today i had a slightly awkward conversation with my ex-boyfriend about how, interest-wise, i had moved on from what we had. it left me with a really strange feeling. its weird to finally let go of something that, whether conscious or not, you've held on to for so long...three years to be exact.

i feel like i cut some cord today and i'm sort of floating around in this unfamiliar state, waiting for my feet to come back to solid ground. don't get me wrong, in my very core i'm ecstatic that i could finally do this!

just think of it as having blurry vision for as long as you can remember, and then being given glasses that allow you to see as you should - you just trip out for a while, but before you know it, you forget that former blurry feeling.

but as usual, that kid always knows how to get my brain spinning. maybe i'm reading into what he says a little, but when expressing my lack of belief that my current "love situation" will work out he says "you can't just ignore thoughts like that when they involve your best friend." i'm not going to go into the specifics of this statement...but although ex-boyfriend claims not to be the jealous type...i know him a little better than that, and i think there's a little more under the surface of that statement.

that being said, it was a relief to me that when hearing that, i can FINALLY say to myself: he missed out. he had his opportunity to proof to me that he was worth trying again with, and he missed that chance. my letting go has not come without putting up a good fight to see if this kid was worth waiting around for. but there comes a point when you have to recognize that someone cannot change more than a certain amount, especially not just because you want them to. i will forever have a soft spot for this kid...but its as friendship, and nothing more.

i make him sound like a bad kid...some think he is, but he really isn't. he has a beautiful heart, his wild temperament just has a tendency to overwhelm it. today, whether he meant it or not, he told me that he believed current "love situation" and i would be good for each other. that he could say that meant the world to me. i want him to understand how important it is for me to strive for something that is good for me...and i don't want him to ever forget how he messed up and missed out.

this thing that i'm dealing with now...i can't say i believe with the majority of my heart that its going to work out in my favor. it will do my heart no good to get my hopes up. but maybe, just maybe...if now isn't the time for it to happen...it will someday. some days it is harder to remind myself of that than others, but its always there, in the back of my head.

it's that 5%....when your heart feels something that unwavering, that strong, that passionate...you don't just give up on it completely.