Safe Zone

i'm training to be an ally at my school for underrepresented groups on campus...it's a branch off of the counseling department and i've been really excited about it for the past couple of weeks. but the training couldn't have been on a worse day. after the longest night of my life and running on a whole two hours of sleep, emotions were running high and i wasn't fully prepared for what i was about to encounter for the next four hours of my life.

it was pretty long, but interesting for the first three hours. then, we had to do this "activity" that they prepped us for by pretty much stating "this is intended to bring out emotion in you. if it's too much, you may leave the room for the remainder of the activity, but we would like you to try and stick it out if you can." great.

we had 16 squares of paper. on four, we were to write the names of four important people in our lives - mom, dad, nikko, emily - and put them in a pile. the next set of four were 4 roles we had as individuals - daughter, best friend, student, lifeguard. set number three was 4 material possessions that meant the most to us - computer, phone, navy bear, blanket. and the final pile was 4 activities that we do - studying, lifeguarding, helping others, and working out.

the people were a piece of cake for me to write down, but as i wrote them i had an ominous feeling about where this was leading - and if i was correct, it wasn't going to be a good ending to my night. roles and activities were pretty easy, but i had a really hard time thinking of materials. which i feel is typical of the person i consider myself to be; computer and phone were the last ones i added, on the basis that they are a means of communicating with people.

then we were ready to begin the actual exercise.

round #1 - sometimes you have complete control over what you lose in your life. choose one card from each pile, crumple it up and throw it into the middle of the room. that no longer exists in your life. out goes emily, lifeguard, blanket, and working out. my thoughts - "damn it, here it goes..."

round #2 - sometimes you only have a degree of control over what happens in your life. turn the piles over and pick a card at random from each deck, then crumple it up and throw it in the middle of the room. that no longer exists in your life. there goes dad, daughter, navy bear, lifeguarding. my thoughts - "i can't believe how real this feels. i don't want to go to round three." it was surprisingly realistic...turning the cards back over and finding out i'd thrown my dad into the center. i didn't really care about the other piles...only the one with the people. i could feel a surge of emotion...but most of it was centered around the two person cards i had left and what was about to happen.

round #3 - other times, you have absolutely no control over what happens in your life; it's out of your hands. you have no role in this round, rather the instructors will come around and take cards at random. those things no longer exist in your life. finally goes computer, mom, and nikko. my thoughts, "i don't want to be here anymore. nothing i have left has any importance to me." i lost it. i cried, it brings tears to my eyes recounting the feeling as i type. when you're already worried for someone's life...and you play a game where they are even symbolically taken from you, it doesn't leave you feeling even remotely ok.

i was left with my role as a best friend - but my best friend was gone. i was left with my role as a student and my activity of studying, but who cares when the big people you had to live for aren't there to support you anymore? my phone was still in my possessions...a phone that i use to communicate with the people who are far away from me who were no longer in existence in my life. helping others was still there, and I could still do that, but at the point...i would be the one desperately in need of help.

i don't ever want to feel what i felt that night. ever.