So here's the thing...

i feel like i know how i should be in a lot of ways. i know what i consider the "right" way, and what i consider the "best" way to be in terms of most situations. but just because i know how i should be, doesn't mean i am that way. i'm always working towards being the ideal way, but it's not an easy task, you know?

for example, not that it's been something thats on my mind a lot lately or anything, i know that love is something you cannot go searching for. the harder you look the harder it's going to be to find it. love is a spontaneous thing that shows up when you least expect it; it is not forced nor is it timely. as a friend of mine just recently said, "we just have to have an ounce of faith that [it] will, someday, happen." i know this.

this i know is how i should be. but how am i? i'm impatient, i'm lonely, i'm scared, and i'm emotional. those aren't always bad things...impatience gives me drive, loneliness allows me to be alone, fear keeps me alert, and i'd always choose being emotional over being emotionless. but impatience also makes me tire quickly from waiting, loneliness makes me withdraw, fear can hold me back, and being emotional makes it so hard to sometimes just BE.

this is how i am. i'm tired of waiting for love, or even just infatuation. how many times do you have to get hurt before something works out in your favor? i'm insecure and i have big doubts and i can almost guarantee that those are getting in the way of any progress in this aspect of my life.

i'm trying really hard to hold on to my ounce of faith. some days it wiggles and it fights and it tries so hard to leave me and i almost give in...but then i grab on to it with both hands until it settles down again, until the next attempt at jailbreak.