I Want to Learn How to Love

Or at least how to do it better. I don't mean romantic love either. I mean unconditionally loving people as my initial reaction upon meeting them. Loving them through their faults and their mistakes, and not allowing that love to turn to fear and pain if they decide to do something negative that directly involves me. Or maybe it isn't love I'm describing at all, maybe it's kindness. But in all actuality...isn't that love in it's most basic form?

People have hurt me in my life, people are hurting my in my life, and people are going to continue to hurt me in my life. It's part of being human and having emotions - trust can be broken, feelings can be hurt, and relationships can be ruined. However, being hurt by someone is not an excuse to hurt them back. I've been taught that since I was little. I always thought, because I've never maliciously hurt someone, or tried to actually "seek revenge" on someone, that that meant I was not hurting them back. But I don't think that is the case.

I'm beginning to think that thinking bad things about a person, holding on to negative thoughts based on my interactions with that person, is harmful in more ways than one. It's harmful to myself because it prevents me from letting go and moving forward. And ultimately, I think I have to step outside myself and think, "Would my thoughts about this person hurt them back?" Usually, for me, the answer is yes.

My thoughts are reflected in my attitude - the way I behave around certain people, or in certain situations. And that is where the problem arises. Just because someone was not kind to me doesn't mean I shouldn't be kind to them. My thoughts and fears and insecurities about this persons relation to my life should not dictate how I treat them. Sure, if someone betrays me and loses my trust, I may associate that time and action with that person for the rest of forever. But where I make my mistake is when I try to change my behavior with that person and end up treating them coldly.

What should I try to do instead? I should learn from the mistakes I made in that friendship, that relationship, that situation; and I shouldn't take that lightly. It is possible to change the way I interact with someone without losing that kindness. I know it's possible. It has to be. If I get lied to, I should not give that person the cold shoulder for even one second. But I should immediately adapt my behavior, realize what changes this means for my relationship to that person, but continue to treat them kindly and civilly.

I by no means am saying it's okay to just let people walk all over you. Although not always good at it myself, I am a firm believer that if someone does something hurtful to you, you should let them know what they did. But it's possible to do that without being rude or condescending - you just need to be straightforward and to the point. You shouldn't feel guilty for pointing that out to someone (something I need to work on...but that's a whole other tangent).

I think that's my goal for this semester. To learn how to love, in it's simplest form, better. To be unassuming, to learn from my mistakes, but not to let anything shake me to the point where I become spiteful toward any one person or even people in general.

I'm still thinking this through. I may look back at this tomorrow and realize none of it made any sense. I'm writing as I think through it...and maybe something will come from it. Maybe not. But it's worth a shot; I need some sort of change.