I have been wrecked.

I have not had days as low as this in a very long time. I forgot how frightening it could be to be in a position where you are questioning everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. How shaking that is. The only thing that is getting me through is knowing that at some point, I'm going to make it up and out of this ditch. It doesn't mean there won't be some slides back down as I lose my footing on the way up. I'm sure there will be. But if I can stay focused and know that all of that is what it's going to take to get out, I think I can do it.

I don't need to go into the specifics of it. All that needs to be said is that I have been lied to, in more ways than one. And for someone who can't seem to find the line between being trusting and being careful, I really didn't need that. It's extra hard to get back up from those sort of things for me, as I'm sure it is for many other people who have been hurt in similar ways. I'm floundering a little bit right now, especially because I'm just "stuck" in all that has happened until I can go back to school. I also have a hard time with not knowing the answers to all the questions that I have in my head about why things happened the way they did, but I need to accept that I do not have any right to the answers to those questions. I need to let go and move on.

I'll get there. I think I just need a bit more floundering time. And maybe some sort of miracle, just as a morale boost or something. Anything.