declutter and shape-up!

that's what i'm making my brain do this weekend. i came home for a little mental holiday. i still have been working on homework like a mad woman, but i needed some peace and quiet and the opportunity to sort out some internal conflicts and reassess my attitude. i don't know how much progress i've made, but its nice to be laying in a big bed, my kitty sleeping at my feet, enjoying my new found love of OneRepublic, and not having to worry about waking up to an alarm in the morning.

i was guarding during a water polo tournament yesterday, and a group of special needs students from Cal Lu came to support our boys during the first game. they've been on my mind ever since - on breaks the announcer would play music and half of the group would dance with complete disregard for anyone who was watching. how beautiful to just be you and do what makes you smile - they sure made me smile. what a glorious thing it is to have even just a small moment of carefree being and experience such simple joy.

Pink spiders and douche bags

i really really dislike spiders...i would go so far as to say i most definitely have a mild phobia of them. they're so creepy and they bite and some of them are poisonous and really big...i just flat out don't like them. but i was wondering today, would i still be afraid of a spider if it turned fluffy and purple with pink hearts on it? or in less specific terms, if that spider's demeanor was different would i be ok sitting in a room with it watching it crawl across the wall?

the conclusion i reached was no, i wouldn't be ok with it. just because that spider looks different than it once did, it doesn't mean its no longer in its capabilities to internally be the creepy, crawly, gross thing that it was. just because its now fluffy and purple doesn't change the fact that it signifies fear to me and sends my body into full flight mode.

now although it wouldn't be out of character for me, i'm not really writing this blog about spiders. of course there is some outlandish symbolism in the spider and his outward appearance. but first you'll need some background...

i go to school with this guy who did some pretty bad damage to my relatively insecure and lost self last fall semester. given, it is partly my fault for having such a lack of judgement and weak morale at the time...but i've come a long way from there. but i REFUSE to take all the blame for the situation and the way it turned out. he took advantage of the point i was at in my life and used it to his benefit, leaving me more empty and alone than i had ever felt in my entire life. as i regained strength after the bulk of the ordeal, he continued to fight his way into my life like a weed that you simply cannot destroy. finally after being more curt and openly disgusted with him than i would ever like to be with anyone ever again...he sort of got the picture. at least it seems that way.

so anyway, said guy came up in conversation with one of my guy friends over dinner tonight. he tried to tell me that i should "give the guy some credit" because he is "trying to make changes in his life" by attending youth groups and campus religious activities, and that he may have learned from his mistakes. and you know what, good for him. i'm glad he's trying to make some changes because God knows he needed some. but i owe no amount of credit to that boy. sure i've forgiven and moved on, but it would be stupid of me to forget what he did. sure maybe he's soft and fluffy on the outside (no pun intended) now, just like the spider could be...but for my own sake i'm not going to pretend the old him never existed...the creepy, crawly, and gross him.

congratulations on the attempts at change, but i'm not stupid. enjoy your new life, but don't involve me in it. same goes for you spiders...not a fan!

Simple as Salt

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea." - Isak Dinesen

I wouldn't say "cure," maybe "temporary relief." like ibuprofen is the temporary relief for aches and pains and can be considered a "cure," as long as taken every four hours, these three salty entities can temporarily fix issues - particularly those that are emotional.

have you ever craved the beach? the sand, the breeze, the waves, the ocean, the scent and sound? maybe it's more vivid for me because that's where i've been blessed to grow up. but when i need to go somewhere to think, and think hard...i go to the beach. and somehow, the peacefulness of it all fills me up and pushes out whatever demons i may be dealing with...at least for the time that i'm there and the few short hours that the feeling lingers after i leave.

usually when i lose that peace, i turn to tears. sometimes there's nothing left to do other than let emotions take over and let your crying fill in when words are lost. and while a couple tears tumbling down cheeks don't mean anything less, the kind of crying i'm referring to is real, aching, heartbreaking crying that leaves you utterly exhausted and broken. once you get there, and you pour all that out...there's a "calm after the storm" period. usually. where you can sit in your despair and exhaustion, focused on just being.

from there, i workout. i don't remember when i turned into that person...the person who turns to fitness when life throws them for a loop. not to say i don't like to work out when everything's going great too, but it does become more of an importance when i'm feeling lost. Working out gives me something else to focus on...it gives my brain a break from the trauma and let's me just focus on pushing my body to fight through pain or desire to quit. maybe if i work on that, it will make me stronger on the inside too. the endorphins that follow let you keep that high for a few hours after too.

i've skipped the first one this time - just sweat and tears. i miss my ocean. i go back and forth...and right now, the tears just seem to be worse and the working out just seems to be wearing me out. i wish there really was a cure for hurt like this. but all of these things make life simpler, at least for a little while. and as long as i'm craving that simplicity...i will continue to rely on my temporary reliefs. unless something better comes along.

Selfishly Hurting

i'm afraid that i'm losing my best friend. and i can't stop it, or even slow it down.

it's like i can literally see our friendship plummeting head first into the ground.

i'm trying to help ease it along so that maybe the damage will be less, but i honestly don't know if i'm doing anything right.

for all i know, i could be making things worse.

i need a sign. i need some strength. this preoccupying thing isn't cutting it.

don't get me wrong, i'm so worried about him and all that he is struggling with internally. my last post still holds true. but i'm losing him. and i can't handle that. its not fair that she can destroy him, and then as a result of that, make me lose something that means the world to me too. he was my friend first...he saved me. you can't just let someone who's done that for you walk away. i don't want this hole in my heart again.

...and call me crazy, but didn't you once tell me you loved me? i'm sorry that that isn't enough...

Helpless

my heart is breaking. have you ever seen someone in so much pain, and wanted to help them with every fiber of your being, but known there was absolutely nothing you could do? what about when that someone is your best friend? next to be heart broken myself, i have never felt such an awful feeling. next to having your heart broken, i would say utter helplessness has got to be one of the worst experiences.

today i made two trips out to cal lu. i grocery shopped with my dad. i visited people i hadn't seen in three months. i unpacked and set up my whole room. physically, i was busy and all over the place. mentally...my brain was in one place. all i want to do is sit down and cry for all that i've heard, and all that i know i am incapable of fixing. to hear your best friend say things that you would dread to hear even from a stranger, that could shake you to your very core...how do i just go on with my day feeling that gnawing inside of me? i'm scared. i'm scared for him. i've never prayed so hard in my life.

i want to be with him. i wish i could wake up and be in DC to at least be there for him in a physical sense, to hug, to talk to face to face, and to be more of a comfort than a voice over a phone line from thousands of miles away. prior to today i had so much on my mind, good and bad...but i don't even remember what i was thinking 24 hours ago. i'm so worried, and i want to help so badly, but i don't know what i can do to help. all i can do is talk, and i don't think that's working. he's made so much growth and finally allowed himself to feel, and what does he get? this? i've never wanted some one to experience "good" and happiness and joy as much as i do with him, he deserves it.

my heart is breaking for him. something miraculous needs to happen...i can't stand to hear my best friend cry and not be able to save him.

Decisions, decisions

well. once again my mind is overcome with the burden of this huge decision that i've been toying with all summer. swimming. i'm scared of making the decision, but i know its one that i need to finalize; i can't just wait here in limbo because swim literally starts in a week.

i'm 85% sure of what i want to do, and its the little things that keep holding me back. i'm afraid of the outcomes of my decision. the sport at the school has introduced me to so many great people - i loved the coaching staff, i loved my teammates, and i really felt as if i was part of a family. i don't want to offend people and make them feel as if i didn't enjoy the time i spent there - it was a great experience and i won't ever forget the friends and the relationships i made there.

but my heart isn't in it anymore. i don't doubt that i will miss it, and the hardest part will be not being with my girls every day. but i need to step back to see if this sport is something i still love. i kind of compare it to an ex boyfriend. post-breakup is awful...an emotional roller coaster of high highs and low lows. then you move out of that stage, you heal and you accept that it's over. and then maybe, once you've been apart from that significant other, you discover one of two things - (1) you both find that you were meant to be together, that you are still in love, and you heal past wounds and reform a relationship, or (2) you realize you it just wasn't meant to be and you begin to look for something bigger and better to fill your life.

the only way i can get to that point is to take a step back and go through that process - but its difficult to knowingly admit yourself into such a vicious ordeal; to willingly submit to such heartbreak. it's scary, and i'm not going to lie, i am 100% terrified. not even just about whether or not i'm making the right decision, but if i'm going to know who i am without being a swimmer.

a wonderful friend of mine who has an outstanding way with words, wrote to me on this matter to try and give me some insight, as she has been in a similar situation. she said, "Swimming will always be in your blood, but it's your decision at what degree do you want it to define you and if you are brave enough to step out of the pool for a bit and explore what else is out there. The pool will always be there." it sounds obvious, but that's what i need to remember...the pool will always be there for me, no matter how long i leave it behind for.

i have other things i want to do that swimming puts limitations on. i don't want to miss out on opportunities because "i have to go to practice." i've turned down things for that reason more times in my short life than i would like to admit...sure some of those times were back when swim was still fun and i was glad to be going to practice. i don't want to miss opportunities to expand myself because i'm stuck in this one aspect. i want to grow.

and i suppose part of growing is facing fears and dealing with tough stuff such as this. i need to sit down and let my fingers type that email that is going to finalize how i will be spending my sophomore year. i need some strength.

Life as I love it

isn't it funny how three months ago, all i could post about was how excited i was for summer, and now i can't WAIT to go back to school?? five more days! :)

freedom. independence. companionship. education. here i come.

i grew up a lot mentally this summer. i grew into myself and became more comfortable with who i am and what i stand for. going back to school will be the true test of how strong i am in what i have discovered over the past few months. i hope that it sticks. i hope that when i am tested i am capable of holding my ground and can withstand the urge to shrink away. i pray that i will continue to grow and continue to travel successfully down this path that i have started forging. i hope, although i expect it to be difficult, that the bigger decisions i will be making this semester really are for the best and that i will eventually see that it was the right thing to do.

"The first step toward getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to say where you are."