Big Post coming soon...

I'm too busy and have too much going on right now to blog all about this right now. But the strangest thing is happening. I can't even explain it, but I will try soon.

Need to know information? My best friend is home. And it's the happiest weekend I've had all summer. :)

To be continued...

I Want to Learn How to Love

Or at least how to do it better. I don't mean romantic love either. I mean unconditionally loving people as my initial reaction upon meeting them. Loving them through their faults and their mistakes, and not allowing that love to turn to fear and pain if they decide to do something negative that directly involves me. Or maybe it isn't love I'm describing at all, maybe it's kindness. But in all actuality...isn't that love in it's most basic form?

People have hurt me in my life, people are hurting my in my life, and people are going to continue to hurt me in my life. It's part of being human and having emotions - trust can be broken, feelings can be hurt, and relationships can be ruined. However, being hurt by someone is not an excuse to hurt them back. I've been taught that since I was little. I always thought, because I've never maliciously hurt someone, or tried to actually "seek revenge" on someone, that that meant I was not hurting them back. But I don't think that is the case.

I'm beginning to think that thinking bad things about a person, holding on to negative thoughts based on my interactions with that person, is harmful in more ways than one. It's harmful to myself because it prevents me from letting go and moving forward. And ultimately, I think I have to step outside myself and think, "Would my thoughts about this person hurt them back?" Usually, for me, the answer is yes.

My thoughts are reflected in my attitude - the way I behave around certain people, or in certain situations. And that is where the problem arises. Just because someone was not kind to me doesn't mean I shouldn't be kind to them. My thoughts and fears and insecurities about this persons relation to my life should not dictate how I treat them. Sure, if someone betrays me and loses my trust, I may associate that time and action with that person for the rest of forever. But where I make my mistake is when I try to change my behavior with that person and end up treating them coldly.

What should I try to do instead? I should learn from the mistakes I made in that friendship, that relationship, that situation; and I shouldn't take that lightly. It is possible to change the way I interact with someone without losing that kindness. I know it's possible. It has to be. If I get lied to, I should not give that person the cold shoulder for even one second. But I should immediately adapt my behavior, realize what changes this means for my relationship to that person, but continue to treat them kindly and civilly.

I by no means am saying it's okay to just let people walk all over you. Although not always good at it myself, I am a firm believer that if someone does something hurtful to you, you should let them know what they did. But it's possible to do that without being rude or condescending - you just need to be straightforward and to the point. You shouldn't feel guilty for pointing that out to someone (something I need to work on...but that's a whole other tangent).

I think that's my goal for this semester. To learn how to love, in it's simplest form, better. To be unassuming, to learn from my mistakes, but not to let anything shake me to the point where I become spiteful toward any one person or even people in general.

I'm still thinking this through. I may look back at this tomorrow and realize none of it made any sense. I'm writing as I think through it...and maybe something will come from it. Maybe not. But it's worth a shot; I need some sort of change.

I have been wrecked.

I have not had days as low as this in a very long time. I forgot how frightening it could be to be in a position where you are questioning everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. How shaking that is. The only thing that is getting me through is knowing that at some point, I'm going to make it up and out of this ditch. It doesn't mean there won't be some slides back down as I lose my footing on the way up. I'm sure there will be. But if I can stay focused and know that all of that is what it's going to take to get out, I think I can do it.

I don't need to go into the specifics of it. All that needs to be said is that I have been lied to, in more ways than one. And for someone who can't seem to find the line between being trusting and being careful, I really didn't need that. It's extra hard to get back up from those sort of things for me, as I'm sure it is for many other people who have been hurt in similar ways. I'm floundering a little bit right now, especially because I'm just "stuck" in all that has happened until I can go back to school. I also have a hard time with not knowing the answers to all the questions that I have in my head about why things happened the way they did, but I need to accept that I do not have any right to the answers to those questions. I need to let go and move on.

I'll get there. I think I just need a bit more floundering time. And maybe some sort of miracle, just as a morale boost or something. Anything.

Apparently, I'm actually not competent enough to make my own decisions.

I do look like the stupid one.

He did choose his old reputation.

He doesn't appreciate me anymore for believing in the "new" him, because apparently, there is no "new" him.

He's proven he's not worthy of the chance I was willing to give him.

It all backfired.

And here I am, sitting in what's left of it.

It's not a pretty sight.

I knew it was going to be a sassy day when I woke up this morning.

I don't do well with people subtly trying to tell me that something I'm doing is not a good decision. Typically, they try to sneak around it and then I call them out directly and then it results in an argument. Because I get defensive over the attack and they get mad that they weren't sneaky enough and their plan blew up in their face. Typically.

The reason I get defensive is people usually have no "so what?" as one of my favorite English teachers would say, to their argument. One I've been hearing a lot of lately is, "You could do better than him," to which I respond, "So what?" And from there it usually deteriorates into pointless arguing. I get that people care about me and whatever, but a lot of times those statements come from people who probably don't really care that much, or don't really know what they are talking about. Yes, I do get defensive. But when someone is pretty much insinuating you're not competent to make your own decisions and don't think things through all the way, wouldn't you get defensive too?

Who do you think I am? Have I ever been someone to go blindly into a situation without thinking about the positive and negative consequences of my actions? I don't think so... I know that I have the potential to come out of this situation looking like the stupid one, standing up for someone against the words of everyone else, and them choosing their old reputation over the one I had faith in. I am well aware that is a possibility. But I also know that people change, and that this person, who has done nothing to me to prove he's not worthy of a chance, could be truthful and honest with me and may appreciate me more for being one of the few even willing to give him a chance.

I'm working on not going into every situation thinking someone wants to hurt me; it's hard. But I'm stubborn and I'm persistent. Please don't tell me how to live my life if you don't know the whole story.

Revelation

Five days of being stuck to the confines of my house was bound to result in something, right? It took some withdrawing, a couple breakdowns, and one hysterical meltdown, but I think I've finally realized what I need to do. This may be a revelation that I've had before, but something about it was different this time.

Just because you want something, no matter how badly you want it, does not mean you're going to get it. Trying to do everything you can to get it, guarantees absolutely nothing. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm not saying you should never hope to get anything you want or need ever in your life. Hope is a beautiful thing - my blog name isn't just for kicks and giggles. But their comes a point where you have to be accepting and not give up hope, but let go. Most of the time, the harder you try to get something you want or need, the farther from your grasp it gets. Or what's worse, sometimes you can get tantalizingly close - thinking you're actually getting your way - and then it blows up in your face. And you end up farther away and more desperate for it than you were to begin with.

If you've tried your best and can say you honestly put your best foot forward, then you eventually just have to let go. You have to be okay with what you have, happy in fact. You probably have a lot more to be grateful for than you're realizing. And when you take that step back, it makes you wonder what you may have been missing out on the whole time you were on that one-track mind set.

I have to be okay with relinquishing control because in all honesty, in the grand scheme of things, there is very little on this earth that we as people are capable of "controlling." Clinging on to the idea of something and what it could be and this sort of unrealistic type of hope, is not the same as the real idea of hope I have in my heart. That's not really hope, that's an expectation. There is a difference.

Sometimes, as soon as you stop wanting something, you get it. Maybe you won't want it by then, maybe you will want it again. No one knows. But you can't be afraid to let go of it for fear you may not want it later. That's a ridiculous way to live. And I don't know how I've made it this long doing just that. I think I need to change that. It's okay to let go. It really is.

Beautiful Moments

It's moments like these that remind me why I am the way I am, why I do believe that there is so much beauty in the world.

The organization for special needs adults came to the pool today for free swim during camp time. I absolutely love them - they are always so friendly and happy to be there. I can't help but smile the whole time they are there. Today I made a new friend, a speaking impaired man. While he was cautiously walking down the stairs into the water I said, "Good morning, how are you today?" He responded with a nod and a smile and a little grunt; it was then that I understood that he couldn't talk. He pointed to me and I just said, "Yep, I'm the lifeguard!" And I went about guarding the rest of my pool while he wandered around. He was next to the guard stand in the water and I saw him waving at me, trying to get my attention. I looked down and he had written his name with water on the side walk. He was pointing to himself and smiling. I replied, "Oh that's your name! Hello Phil, nice to meet you!" He was visibly excited and then pointed at me again. I now understood that was his way of asking me my name (a lot of the other adults really love to ask what our names are and introduce themselves). I told him my name and he smiled and clapped his hands before walking away to continue doing his thing.

I was left with a warmth in my heart that he had gone to such lengths just to learn my name, despite his obvious obstacles. I don't think I would have ever thought to write my name with water on the ground if I was incapable of communicating it to someone else.

Less than five minutes later, Tom, one of the adults I know from years passed got in the water and I said, "Good morning Tom! How's the water?" and he replied that it was good and then said, raising his arms up toward the sky, "There's lots of sunshine!" Smiling back at him, I said, "You are right, there is, just for you guys!" And he continued swimming on his way. Again, I'm left astounded by the joy that they emit. Sometimes that's all you need, to just smile and enjoy the sunshine.