Feliz Cumpleanos a mi!

What a wonderful, worry-free birthday I have had! It felt great to just abandon my responsibilities for the last 48 hours and just enjoy myself; it's been hard to do that this last year because I'm always so inundated with school and work. I shouldn't really even call it abandoning my responsibilities, because I worked really hard ahead of time to make sure I had things taken care of in advance for the my birthday, knowing I wouldn't want to worry about things between my birthday and this afternoon.

Do I have a lot of homework to catch up on?
Am I exhausted?
Did I text a lot of people that probably didn't need to hear from me?
Did I do some silly things?
Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But it was all worth it because I had a damn good time. And I don't regret any of it.

I also received so many well-wishes and good thoughts and love - I truly am a lucky girl. I know some of those texts and Facebook wall posts were just the obligatory "Happy Birthday," but I also know there were a lot on there that meant it. And I got absolutely spoiled by my friends that were here to celebrate with me. All of my gifts that I received have a story behind them, a lot of thought put into them. And honestly, that will always mean more than the gift itself.

I am a lucky, lucky girl. And I don't remember the last time I had a birthday where I was this happy with where I'm at in my life. It's something beautiful, I tell ya.

Crazy Day

I did nothing academically productive; I had every intention to but it never really manifested into anything. But. I did have a fun day, which was greatly needed and appreciated. But now I'm just exhausted.

I went for a run today (on the treadmill of course, I need more practice before I run outside). Walked a quarter mile, ran 2 miles, walked another half mile. I need to get back into working out. Physically, I have become so lazy and I don't like it. But at the same time, it's hard to change that. I don't know how to find enough time during the week to go work out and still have time to do all my homework and get an adequate amount of sleep.

But my muscles need me to do something. I've been eating so much healthier this semester, but that's not enough. My body doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel healthy. I'm searching for some motivation, something to get me to go run for half an hour, even when I really don't want to. I've been so motivated for school since being back, but I'm lacking that motivation for anything else. Or maybe not lacking, but I have yet to find it. I just feel like I'm still struggling to find a balance.

But I want to be in better shape than I am right now, that's the first step right? I'm not really unhealthy right now, I'm thinner than I've been since probably before I quit swimming. But I don't feel good about my health. If that makes any sense. I think I need to allow myself to make time for these things. A friend of mine who works out quite regularly once compared her working out to being in a relationship - it's become such a habit that she feels like she is missing something if she doesn't go to the gym on a weekday. And the fact of the matter is, I have at least half an hour that I can commit to something everyday. I think.

Sometimes I wish that I wasn't so turned off to swimming, that I was more willing to use that as a form of exercise. Maybe that will return once I get back into regularly working out; I realize the water is where I really want to be. But for now, it's so hard to get myself in a pool, and yes, I am a little resentful that that is where I've ended up with regard to a sport that I was once so passionate about competing in. But swimming was always easy for me, I think I need something with more of a challenge because it doesn't come naturally to me. That's why I'm trying to run, because it is hard for me - mentally and physically.

I don't have any self-suggestions for myself on this one yet...other than to try and do better. Can that count as a goal?

Waking thoughts

Every day is full of choices. You are making some sort of decision every minute, whether it be a conscious decision or not. Sometimes people tend to think, myself included, that because so many individual choices are being made, we are entitled to be in control of the way things happen. In fact, a lot of the average person's life seems to center around this false sense of having control over situations and outcomes. We really have control over very little, with the exception of our own choices and reactions to what happens in the outside world.

But here's where the problem comes in - when we think that we can control the outside world, our reactions become slaves to external happenings. All because of a false sense of control. We want control; but we let something we have no control of drastically influence one of the few things we do have control of. Paradoxical, right?

I'm bad at this; really bad. My "big brother" tried to talk to me about this once a couple years ago, but it was all a little over my head at the time; although, I desperately wanted to understand what he was talking about. But I'm beginning to get it, and with that comes the realization that I very easily allow my emotions and my state of being to be influenced by things that are out of my control. I mix up sympathy and empathy with being a doormat for people to walk all over, drop things on, and wipe their dirty shoes on.

I feel things very deeply, I would never change that about myself. That makes me who I am. But I do get far too concerned with "what if's," when I need to step back and realize, "Okay, that may happen. But it is not a guarantee, and if it does happen, there isn't really anything I can do or could have done to stop it."

I think part of this problem comes from that whole confidence thing I've been talking about over the past few months. I need to feel more in control of myself and stop giving excuses for why I'm not. There is no excuse. I, as a human being, yearn to feel in control...but I often fall short in controlling the one thing that is my duty to control: myself.

So today? I'm going to put a smile on my face and choose to make the best of this day that I have been given. I am going to do my best to be the person that I want to be, and not let the external cause me to stray from my path. I am good enough the way I am.

I Feel Alone.

Welcome back

Is it wrong to be ready for bed at 8pm on a Friday night?

If your answer is yes: Too bad. I do what I want.
If your answer is no: Thank you! That makes me feel much more okay with the fact that it is in fact 8pm on a Friday night and I'm in my pajamas laying in my bed because I feel like I have no energy left for moving or functioning. Let's be honest, the fact that I'm even writing a blog right now should come as completely shocking. ;)

Okay, all joking and exhausted-ness aside, I am back at school after a month of doing absolutely nothing of importance every day, all day. Getting back in the routine is tough stuff. But my goal for the weekend is to get everything organized and planned out for the rest of the semester before I go back to class on Monday. It's doable.

Classes seem pretty okay this semester - a lot of reading and not a lot of writing, which I have a feeling will be a welcome change from the last semester. Kindergarten is beautiful, you'll see more about that if you take a virtual walk on over to my other blog. I'm back to eating healthy and working out at least semi-regularly. Life is good; back to the routine.

I turn 21 in 20 days. And yes, I am going to do the 21 stereotypical thing and go out and get drunk in celebration of my day of birth....I might even do it twice, or maybe even three times if I'm feeling rebellious.  But other than the few days after Eke turns 21, that will probably be the extent of my partying for the semester.

And also - obviously I don't have anything to say about my "personal growth" on this post. I just felt like posting to post. (Yes, I'm still stuck on this and irritated about it). Obviously this one was full of sass. Meh, it happens.

Flip flop

Sometimes I scare myself, you know? It scares me how easily I can pull away from someone and simplify my relationship with them without them even knowing. And how often I do that.

I know that I have trust issues, and as much as I want to pinpoint them on one member of the male species and blame him for all of my problems...I can't. That may have been the domino that started it all, but I'm the one that keeps it going. Between a series of bad decisions with some bad eggs and an overwhelming need to run from the first sign of trouble, I became the girl that prematurely pushes 95% of the people in my life away before they can get close.

But being forever the optimist, I'm just realizing that this blog isn't going to be about what I thought it was going to be about; I am compelled to point out what good comes from that. Or more so, what thanks are due. Thank God for the 5%...the ones that let me push as hard as I want and don't move an inch, or sometimes even push back a little. I'm a pretty independent person, I like to rely on myself. But I couldn't do it without that handful of people. And I think the people who are in that 5 percent know who they are; they're the ones that have stuck around through a lot of ups and downs. Chances are, if you have any doubt you're in that group, you probably aren't.

But if you feel confident I'm talking about you, I probably am. And thank you. Thank you for fighting my fire with fire and not giving up on me even when I'm difficult. At least I know that my 5% is the real thing; some people never find the real friends in their life.

Damn, I'm lucky. I'm glad I turned this rant around. Self, this conversation is over.

Shaken But Not Broken

I'm sorry about my out of character last post, but my feelings were hurt; heck, they still are. But I've at least calmed down enough to write coherent thoughts and feelings.

I'm ashamed to say that even for a few hours, I allowed someone to make me question why I write this blog. A part of my life that I am so confident about...and I felt that I failed to explain myself adequately. But as quickly as I questioned, I stopped. I don't have to explain myself or my blog or why I do it in the style that I do. And I should never let anyone tell me I'm not doing the "right" thing on my blog. I've said from the beginning, I don't expect anyone to read this. If they do, so be it. But that's not what it's here for.

I post opinionated things on here, some more opinionated than others. I openly admit that my ideas and beliefs are in a constant state of change, but at the core they are solid. I have a general opinion, but my reasons for having that opinion are still developing and changing; I'm only 20 years old! My general opinion comes from what I believe is right in my heart, and any details related to that I talk my way through. That's just how I am. But I don't like to talk my way through it with condescending people who tell me I can and can't do things. I like to talk my way through it with people who understand me and my curiosity and how I work, which happens to be a very select group of people in my life. For that reason, I don't go into a lot of serious debates with people because I know that a "belief in my heart" is not enough for debate purposes.

Being forced into talking about something with someone who isn't in that select group makes me shut down and get frustrated because I know that I can't support it and I feel that it is disrespectful to bring up such heavy conversation with someone who has specifically said they don't wish to talk about it. Yes, in retrospect, I shouldn't have even answered the first question that was fired at me. I should have paused for a moment and acknowledged my frustration and once again repeated I was not going to discuss it. But should I really have to say it more than once?

That wasn't even the part that really upset me. I felt attacked beyond that when I said I was using this blog for personal growth and this person said I couldn't grow unless I intake things and I couldn't possibly use this blog for that because I'm not challenging things I already know. He went on to say he wasn't attacking me personally, but is it wrong of me to take that personally? Because I feel that is very personal. I don't really think anyone else is in the position to tell me how I am going about MY personal growth.

I am who I am. I'll change for myself, but not to meet anyone else's expectations of me. Sorry.