Get a Grip

Just when I thought that it was all over and I was moving on because it was required to happen; it was the only option - something changes again. And the one dysfunctional relationship I keep wishing to NOT happen in my favor, continues to do so. What are the odds?

I've had John Mayer's "Half of My Heart," stuck in my head since I woke up this morning. Coincidence? I think not. That's exactly how this relationship makes me feel. Like only half of my heart is invested in it. And the other half is skeptical and undetermined and closed off. Half of my heart adores the nights spent staying up late, talking about life, falling asleep feeling safe and protected. But the other half is turned off by the history, the life choices, and the next days. I war I thought I had gotten rid of, only to resurface about 2 months later when the military decides to be nice to me and the people in my life. THE ONE TIME that I would rather it be mean and brutal to my relationships with people, it goes the opposite way.

Philosopher me wants to say: so is that a sign? Rational me says: no that's just life. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know and it is driving me bonkers.

On the Flip Side

After that last post from over the weekend, this week has been reminding me that I need to count my blessings; and I was lucky enough to add some more to the list.

I had a midterm presentation last week, and for the first time in my whole entire academic career, I got comments that said things like, "Spoke confidently," and "Seemed comfortable speaking to the group." It doesn't sound like a big deal, and at face value it really isn't. But if you know me, and you know where I used to be, you'd understand. If you knew how my insecurities used to paralyze me when I stood up in front of a class to give presentations, you'd understand. If you knew what a journey it has been over the last year for me to learn how to love and accept myself, you'd understand. You'd understand what an impact a simple comment like that has on my self-perception. It's kind of like someone saying, "Here, you've worked so hard and now you get a bowl of ice cream." I am proud of myself, because I think I've come a long way...and things like that are really affirmations that it is a visible change in my demeanor and the way I carry myself.

My best friend is home. :) Have you ever had one of those people in your life...where all they have to do is walk in a room and instantly everything feels better? That's what it's like. I may only see him for short periods of time, and those times may be only three times a year...but that's okay. Because nothing changes...the support and the love are there no matter where in the world he is and no matter where in the world I am. I'm a lucky girl, and I'm thankful to have him in my life every day.

In addition to those two spirit-lifting events in my life, I have been nothing short of blessed by my good friend Cortney. Early in the semester she asked if I would come to the pool early and kind of coach her, mostly help her stay on task and spice up the workouts a little while she trains for the 2012 Para-Olympics. Just this last week, she informed me that she would like to pay me for my services, because she heard that I was looking for another job to supplement my income to help pay for my studies in Costa Rica this summer. Stunned, I told her I appreciated it, but she didn't have to do that. She insisted, saying that she wants to help support me and my learning and my goals to become a better teacher. I was speechless. I still am. "Thank you," seems inadequate.

Bad days and low moments are acceptable. As long as I remember all the beautiful things I have to lift me up. :)

Restless

I used to say that I went through phases of this. But those phases have gotten consistently longer until they eventually blended into a normalcy for my life. Restless is my constant companion. I'd like to attribute him to my knowledge of the upcoming Costa Rica trip, but I don't really know that it's just that. I have other things that I've been dwelling on that he takes as an open invitation to curl up next to my feet as I methodically work my way through homework and studying and projects and work.

Part of it is, I don't know where home is. That's a new one for me. Freshman and sophomore year of college, when I'd go back to my parents' house, I felt that that was home; that was where I belonged. But last summer, something changed. And this year has been different. When I'm at school, I want to go home. But when I'm at home, I want to be at school. Which, by using deductive reasoning, tells me that I don't really want to be at either place. I love my parents and I have both fond and not-so-fond memories of the town I grew up in - I have no hostility toward that. But I feel that I have outgrown it. That is my parents' home, a place that I go to visit. A school is a place that I go to learn, but it is only temporary.

And that makes me feel stuck. And there is nothing I hate more than being stuck. I want to move, I want to grow, I want to try new things, I want to act spontaneously, I want to love and be loved, I want to be challenged. I am so unchallenged right now that it sometimes makes me ache. Every day is the same stuff, but at this point, I don't really have a choice to drastically change that. I mean, I can make little changes, but I have to get my degree, I have to finish school so that I can have the life I want. And the little changes don't make me feel any less stuck.

I need my own home. But I don't know where that is. I want to go find it. But I'm tied to this temporary place because I want a specific future for myself that I know will present me with challenges daily. Who knew the road to the career with endless challenges would be so drab? I'm lacking a sense of belonging and I think that is what is truly making me restless. I'm happy with myself and the choices I've made and the person I'm becoming. And I'm proud of myself. But I am desperately in need of some spice, some variety, something to break this damn monotony that I've been circling around for the past year.

Imagine you're stuck in a desert and you've been walking for hours with nothing to drink. Finally, you emerge and find yourself at this restaurant where you order a nice cold glass of water, but the waiter says, "Sorry you can't drink that yet, you have to wait." It's just outside of an arms reach for you, and you just have to stare at it and wait. And wait. And wait. Rough stuff, right? That's me and Costa Rica.

Restless has unpacked his suitcase and set up a bed on my bedroom floor. He knows when I wake up, he knows when I leave, he knows my class schedule, he knows when I work, and he even knows when I go to the gym. He wakes up to my alarm, he follows me out the door, he sits beside me in class, he watches me work, and he chases me...no matter how much I try to run away from him, he's always right there behind me. However, I've heard he has a fear of flying...someone help me get my feet off the ground...

A letter to my Roo.

First off, I need to say that I love you and I still consider you my best friend for forever and a million years. We are going to be old ladies together laughing about the same dumb shit we laugh about now. That hasn't changed, isn't changed, and never will change. I will never have a friend like you or that will be able to replace you or be able to mean to me what you mean to me. We're a special breed you know, not many people make it through middle school, high school, and college and still have the same best friend through all of that.

But I know we've both been ignoring the big elephant in the room recently. I didn't know how to talk about it, nor did I really want to talk about it because it's a hard conversation to have. How do you tell your best friend that you've lived with for three years in college that you aren't going to live with her anymore? It has absolutely nothing to do with not liking you or not wanting to be around you or anything like that. But we are at two different places in our lives, different places that making living together more difficult. You have a serious boyfriend who you want to spend a lot of time with, I understand that. But like I've mentioned in other years, I don't want to spend that much time with him. Spending time with you and him is not the same as spending time with you. YOU are my friend, I'm friends with him in whatever way I am because I love you. But that doesn't mean I want to see him four times a week and get to see you only Mondays through Thursdays. It doesn't mean I want to share an apartment meant for four with five people for over half of the week.

I haven't felt like I could talk to you about these things, because every year I've tried and it hasn't changed anything. So I gave up. And I just started doing my own thing and ignoring the situation. I know you've noticed, and I know that may have not been the best thing to do. But I felt defeated and I didn't know what else to do.

I knew this was going to be hard, it's hard for me to think of not living with you either. I feel lonely too. But I felt like if I tried to do another year, it was going to start to actually hurt our friendship. And I can't bear for that to happen...I couldn't take it if it did. I love you and I miss you, but I don't want to force you to change your situation because it is different than mine. Wherever I'm living, because I truthfully don't know at this point yet either, I want you to come over all the time. I want to have afternoons where we just hang out and watch movies and eat. I want to go on gym dates. I know not living together will be weird, but it won't be the end of life, you know?

I had to tell myself that, because it was a hard decision for me to make. But you know what? We're both growing into beautifully confident women and functioning members of society, and no matter who we live with, we will always have each other to fall back on when we stumble, lean on when we get tired, and run away to when we need a break, and giggle with when we're just feeling too silly to be with anyone else. You know that you can come to me at any hour of the day, whether it be a phone call, a text message, an email, or a knock on my door, and I will be there for you and I will do my best to help you with whatever it is you need me for. And I'm still confident that you would do the same. And that is a better deal than a lot of people in this world have, so I think we're pretty gosh dang lucky.

I haven't given up, I haven't let go, I just stepped back to focus on things for myself for a while. But I didn't want you to get the wrong message from that. I love you and I want what's best for you, and even though it's hard, I really think this is going to be best for both of us. We've made it through a lot of things that people said we wouldn't, I think we will be okay for this one too.

<3

The Multitude of Reasons for My Absence

I know, I know...I've been gone from here for a really long time. It's driving me mad and I think about it often. Here are my excuses for not blogging, because I haven't enough brain power to write anything of meaning.

-I have about 20 forms to fill out for Costa Rica within the next month.
-I have scholarship forms to fill out to help finance for Costa Rica.
-I have a Cal History midterm on Friday.
-I have a History and Principles of PE presentation next Friday.
-I volunteer 8 hours a week in a kindergarten classroom.
-I have a lesson plan to write and teach in two classrooms before the end of March.
-I have 15 hours of observation to do in a classroom in the next month (in addition to kindergarten).
-I'm learning a second language.
-I work two jobs - one with kids under 10 and one with college kids.
-I also babysit or housesit on some weekends.
-I have other meetings/appointments that come with the last few months of a school year.

...and sometimes I get to sleep. And occasionally eat. Haha, but really, I'm not complaining. I like being busy, but some days...I'm definitely ready to rip my hair out.

Another Sunny Day

Last night I went to bed because I was so excited to wake up to a new day. Yesterday was so awesome that I couldn't wait to do it all again today. Isn't that crazy?? I don't remember the last time that happened. I think it has a lot to do with this sunny February weather...today's high is projected to be somewhere between 75 and 80 degrees. Yesterday was about the same.

Days like this remind me why I'm absolutely in love with living in Southern California. And as much as I want to travel and experience the world and other cultures and other environments...this will always be my home. I will always thrive on the sun and warmth and the beach and the bright blue sky. Nothing makes me feel at home more than that.

Yesterday after class I went out to the park with Emily and laid in the grass reading (for class of course; life isn't that easy). We drove back to school, stopped to pick up some sodas from the Centrum that we paid for in all change, and then set up lawn chairs in the sun in her front yard and read for another two hours before I went to work. I was so content and blissful. It was such a great feeling; blame it on the extra Vitamin D or whatever you will, but I am going to soak it all in until the rain comes back later this week.

Laying out in the sun and thinking about how content I was, I was also reflecting on how great it is to not feel like I'm searching for something. For the last view years, I've felt this persistent tug in the back of my mind telling me I needed to constantly be looking for something - validation, new friends, better grades, a boyfriend, ways to calm myself down...but I don't feel like that anymore. And this is the longest consecutive time that I haven't felt that way, and I think I'm going to take that as a good sign.

I would love to stay and get really philosophical on here, but the sun is calling my name. ♥

Dear You,

"Well one, you don't ever subjugate yourself to someone like that. You are worth so much more than that. I don't even know the guy and I want to kill him because of how he made you feel. And two, and probably the most important point to keep in mind, is you are always wanted and you always belong somewhere and that's with me. You have helped me through more things than you will ever know because most of the time you didn't know you were helping. But just like you have been for me, I am always here for you, no matter how far away you are. You always belong, and you are always important. Don't ever forget that Court."

Our friendship has always been a wild ride; I think the basis that it was formed on should have been an indicator that it would be nothing short of just that. You were a new student in senior year with a past I couldn't even begin to fathom, and we started talking days after my long-term boyfriend shattered my world. Let's be honest, we were less than stable haha. I never would have guessed in a million years that that night after Claire's show with me chasing you around the parking lot trying to get my dad's keys back would have turned into this.

We are, in every sense of the phrase, a friendship based on give and take. I know all friendships are, but ours surpasses anything I've ever experienced before. We give unquestionably and we take without guilt because we are confident that the other would do the same thing if the situation was reversed. I'm just in awe when I look back and see everything that we've gone through and recognize how very little it has phased us in terms of the strength of our friendship.

I posted this quote because it has sat on my computer for almost 2 years as a reminder to me of a few different things:
1. I am important.
2. I am never alone.
3. I have the best friend in the whole wide world.

If I could attribute the strength I have gained over the last year to a single person outside of my self, it would be to you. You are the first person who said things like this to me that I actually believed. I needed to really feel that someone else believed in me before I was able to believe in myself. I don't know what it is about you that made me really hear it when it came from you; I think it was just knowing how much of life you have experienced, knowing how much you've overcome, knowing that you were different than everyone I'd grown up with...all of that came together with the fact that you made efforts to stay in contact with me, you said these wonderful things to me with such a sincerity that something just clicked for me. You've given me so much courage and so much strength...or maybe not given it to me, but forced me to realize that if I'd really look inside myself, I'd find that those things had been there all along.

You have made me question everything I thought I was ever sure of, and sometimes I absolutely hated it. Sometimes I didn't understand it. Sometimes I desperately wanted to understand it, but you knew I wasn't ready. I'm not going to say that you've made me the person that I am at this moment; but I will say with complete honesty that you are the one who made me realize the person that I could be, and I feel that is infinitely more important.

Why am I writing all of this right now? Well, I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks, but have lacked the time and the language to adequately convey what I wanted to say. I'm still not satisfied with this entirely, but I don't think I ever will be because words are not enough to express what I want to say. "Thank you," and "I love you," are never enough, but I guess if you know when I say those things I mean all of this stuff and even more when I say them, then my point is made.

My other reason for this post is because this is a big weekend for you, and as your best friend, I absolutely could not be more ecstatic for you. To you, and even to people who have known me over the past few years, my excitement over this may be a little unexpected...but I've come a long way in a couple months. For so long, I have wanted nothing but happiness for you, and this weekend you are going to take the first step in what I know is going to be a lifetime of happiness. There is absolutely nothing in this world that could top the feeling that I get when I see you enjoying life as much as you do when you're with her. You deserve that and so much more and it is for that reason that I absolutely cannot contain my excitement. I'm so proud of you for not giving up when the rest of the world would have counted you out. Your strength and your determination and your perseverance will always be admirable to me. I absolutely cannot wait to watch you continue to grow and create this life for yourself. She is a very lucky girl.

I know that I'm best friend number two now, and I wouldn't accept that position if it had been anyone other than the woman you intend to marry taking the top spot. :) Thank you poohad, for everything you have ever said to me or done for me or helped me with...because I could not have made it to this point in my life without you. Thank you for finally making me believe that I am important, that I am worthwhile, and that I will always have a place in this world. I am forever and ever grateful. Now stop being sick, get healthy, and get all those clues in place! :)

Love you always,
Me.