Tonight my heart is heavy.

What do you say to your best friend when he loses the last thing that had strong meaning in his life, the last thing that at multiple points was the only thing keeping him afloat? I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to think. I rarely find myself at a loss for words, but I am finding myself utterly speechless.

I'm having a true moment of questioning myself and the world and everything beyond this world. Because this isn't fair; and it breaks with everything I've ever preached or believed and I'm not quite sure how to handle that. Right now, "handling it" looks a lot like sitting on my bed quietly staring into space and trying to muster up some thought-from-shock to write this blog post. If there is any higher power, why is he making life so hard for this kid? Hasn't he paid enough? Hasn't he gone through enough ups and downs and tragedies to be able to experience some real honest beauty and greatness and luck in life? I don't get it. I don't understand why he's being continually tested beyond the emotional stress capacity of anybody else I know. Why won't the universe give him a break? Why can't he get some of the happiness that he is more than worthy of? I don't get it.

I know he's going to read this. He's pretty much my only audience member. But I still find myself saying, "What do I say?" So:

I love you poohad. I wish everyone else in this wild world could see you the way that I do. I want to keep being optimistic and positive for you, but I also don't know if you really want that right now. I don't know if that will help you. I feel speechless and helpless. I'm going to hold your spirits up high for you, and I'm going to sing you the song in your heart when you are unable to do it yourself. The minute we realized our friendship, I knew I would never leave your side, no matter how ugly or beautiful things got. And things are ugly now, but remember that you are never, ever, ever alone.

"There is something you must always remember:

You are braver than you believe,

Stronger than you seem,

And smarter than you think.

But the most important thing is, 

Even if we're apart...

I'll always be with you."

I'm going to go eat away at some sherbet, and I only wish you were here to enjoy it with me. Hugs and love to you mister. I'm holding you in my heart and in my prayers.

Peeved

You know what irks me? When something goes missing and someone says, "Someone stole it!" Really? Really. What is this, elementary school?! I hear that and it reminds me of when I was in school and when I go into the classroom today and a little one goes, "Teacher! Someone stole my pencil!!" and then you point to a pencil on the ground underneath their desk and say, "You mean that pencil?" and they look back at you sheepishly and say, "Oh...yeah."

Why is some people's first reaction to assume that a missing object was stolen??  Like, for what reason do you need to make something such a dramatic event with such an immediate judgement call? I watched a grown man do it yesterday and I shook my head at him. Then, another man came in today and said the same thing to me, about the same object. Because the man from yesterday had spread it to him!! He has no proof that these missing hooks for the pool were stolen, but he goes around preaching it to anyone who will listen anyway. And get this, he also has a "suspect."

Dude. Grow up. You're 45 years old, it's time to get a life.

I don't know what it is. Are people too lazy to look for something they could have potentially lost, so they say it was stolen? Are they too prideful to admit that the loss of the object is their fault, so they have to put the blame on some external force? Are they so bored with their day-to-day lives that they have to invent and stir up some drama to make things more interesting? None of those are valid reason; in fact, I'd venture to say they all make the accuser look like a fool.

Yes, sometimes things get stolen and I'm not arguing that they don't. But when you can't find something for two seconds, or haven't even bothered looking for it....shut your damn mouth and take some responsibility first. Sheesh.

Voicing to Others

In my 8th grade yearbook, my science teacher wrote:

"Speak up! The world needs to hear from you."

How funny that sounded to quiet, insecure, thirteen-year-old me. What could I possibly have to say that the world would want to hear? And moreover, in what world was I ever going to overcome my tremendous fear of public-speaking to be able to tell anyone anything?

The answer to that question, I now realize, is in this world. Yes, I used to get paralyzed when speaking in front of a large group, even a group of my own peers. It was a challenge that I felt I would never overcome. I struggled through presentations through high school and the beginning of my college career. I would sit back down after a presentation where my voice shook, my hands shook, and I stumbled over words I had practiced over and over again; and I would feel absolutely defeated. If I couldn't explain something to a classroom of people, how was I ever going to communicate with the world?

I attribute most of  my growth in public speaking to taking up Spanish with the intent to become proficient enough that I could call it my second language. I would say I'm half way there now, but it's caused a lot more changes in my life that I had ever imagined. It's made speaking English seem easy, not that it ever wasn't, in casual conversation of course. But what I mean is, getting up in front of a group to present something in my native language began to feel much less daunting, because I was confident in my abilities to speak without sounding like a fool. I knew what it felt like to not have mastery of a language, so suddenly it didn't matter who I was speaking to, or how many there are. I knew that I could do it. If I could do it in Spanish, although broken and fragmented, and have people understand me...then I could sure as hell do it in English.

So the first step was feeling like I could speak to a crowd. The second step was beginning to feel like I had something worthwhile to say. That one's been a little slower to develop, mostly because I was young and inexperienced. But as I'm about to graduate, I'm finding that I have things to say and things that I want other people to hear. And it comes from being passionate about what I'm doing with my life. This week I'm speaking at a Reunion/Informational Meeting about my experiences in El Salvador and at Chapel to talk about the same experience and the aspect of community service. And there's a lot more potential for me to do some more speaking - I'm meeting with a professor about the prospect of creating a proposal to add an international aspect to the Liberal Studies Undergraduate program. If it goes through, I'd be a strong force in that movement. 

But I'm not scared anymore. I feel like I have important things to tell people. Things that could make a difference. And the prospect of having the opportunities to share them excites me. That excitement is enough to overcome any nerves. I've finally come to the realization of what my science teacher was trying to impart on me 10 years ago; I just needed to understand how capable I really was. Then everything else just falls into place.

Thoughts of the morning

I just had the craziest moment of clarity ever. I'm sitting in my bed eating breakfast before I plan to go swim for this morning's workout, listening to music, and just kind of pondering life. Where I'm at now, where I will be in the near future, where I will be in the distant future, things I want to try in my lifetime...you know, the usual thoughts people have at 8am (ok maybe not).

And then I had this huge epiphany, and it came to me so clear and so obvious that it even brought a little bit of happy tears to my eyes. Everything I think about doing in my life, not just today but in the past as well, I unconsciously visualize me doing all of those things with Ray by my side.  That's how I know that I want him in the rest of my life, that's how I know he's who I want to marry. Every time I think about wanting to do something, I say to myself, "It would be so cool if Ray and I could do that!" Why? Not because I'm incapable of enjoying things by myself. I've proven that I can very easily do that and grow from it. No, it's because everything is better when he's there. Even if I'm living what feels like the best week of my life, like I did in El Salvador a couple weeks ago, I stop and think about how Ray being there with me would make it that much more incredible. He's the missing piece to my adventures. I want that piece with me the next time I travel. I want that piece with me when I move to San Diego. I want that piece with me when I start teaching. I want that piece to go hiking with me, to exercise with me, to relax with me, to go shopping with me, to be with me to make the rest of my life that much better.

Whoa, right? It's 8:30, and I'm already carrying that joy in my heart for the day. It's going to be a beautiful one. :)

Next Adventure!

I'm leaving for El Salvador this Friday night and I am finally getting excited about it! I've had so much going on the last few weeks that the trip has felt as if it was forever away, but yesterday morning I woke up relaxed and realized I was leaving for my trip in FIVE days! I will have submitted my graduate school application before I leave, my homework will be done, and I will be free to just enjoy my time in El Salvador.

I'm going with a group of people I don't really know, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd consider some acquaintances, but I'm more or less doing this by myself, for myself. Because of this, I can only hope that I'll get to spend some time with my own thoughts while I'm there and kind of "re-find" myself. I'm not lost, but I've been so overwhelmed this semester that I've kind of forgotten how to appreciate myself. I want to read and write and think and just work with my hands while I'm there. I want to leave technology behind for 8 days and just focus on each and every moment of each day.

I don't know what to expect on this trip, just like Costa Rica, other than some new experiences that I want to be as open to as possible. We will be living with a host family, and I want to challenge myself to use my spanish every day. We will be sleeping all together in a huge guest house, I want to spend the nights on a hammock outdoors and reflect on what an amazing life I have been given. We will spend four days building a classroom by laying brick by hand for hours, I want to feel what it's like to put my time and energy and services into something that is going to bring success and education to children for years to come. We are going to travel to Mayan ruins and the National Cathedral to visit the grave of an El Salvadorian martyr, I want to learn about a new culture and incorporate some of their values into my daily life. We are traveling to witness a Good Friday procession, and I want to learn about God. We spend our final day at a beach house, and I want to relax and reflect.

Simplicity. I'm not looking for much. I'm just blessed to have the opportunity to travel twice within the span of a year, and I just crave the new experiences. I'm bringing books and paper and pens for my free time. It's not a break to catch up on sleep. It's a break to live and appreciate every moment of every day of this wonderful opportunity.

I am in a mood.

And it is a not to be messed with kind of mood. I've cycled back into a little bit of that restlessness, but more than anything I feel like I just want to be alone for like...a day. I'm so tired of talking and working and going to class and just going-going-going all the time. But it has always been really hard to be alone at college. Most of the time, I'm happy about that...but it really sucks on the few days out of the year that you would just rather it not be that way.

Something that drives me crazy though is when I give people fair warning that I'm in a bad mood, but then when I do something that to me is completely normal they respond with something like, "Wow, you really are in a bad mood!" Isn't it funny how you can change people's perceptions of things based on one little comment. Like, I could say something exactly the same as I would any other day and someone would laugh at it...but if I said it on a day that I told them I was grumpy, it instantly changes to a negative thing. No more laughing. Whatever.

I'll be the first to admit when I'm having a day where I shouldn't be around people. That's why I'm sitting in my room, on my bed, in the quiet, by myself. It's not for my benefit...it's for the benefit of others.

Nothing is really wrong with my life right now, however. Let's be clear - everything is pretty great. I'm just tired and a little on the moody side. Things will go back to normal once I get a good night's sleep (I'm currently aiming for Saturday night).

I have three jobs - two awesome ones, one super sucky one that I'm pretty much giving up on. I have three day weekends every weekend. School doesn't seem too bad. I'm still going to kindergarten once a week. I'm applying to grad school. I'm graduating in May. I'm going to El Salvador at the end of March (most exciting thing ever right now!!!!). I have a wonderful boyfriend who I'm completely in love with and could most definitely see myself with in the long term. I have the best friends.

Now all I need is a good night's sleep.

Is it possible for life to feel like it's going too slow and too fast at the same time? Because that's kind of how I feel...

An Optimist's Pitfall

I see the world a certain way. I don't see it as full of rainbows and butterflies, but I do see problems as having solutions and conflicts as having resolutions. I am a forever believer that there is a light at the end of every tunnel, even if you can't see it yet.  I never doubt the potential for a situation to improve. That's just how I am; and usually it works out really well for me.

But in one aspect, it will always bring me conflict. In my language acquisition class, we learned about how the human mind yearns to be in equilibrium - it is for that reason that first language acquisition comes so naturally in a typically developing human. The mind wants to be able to communicate, so it learns a language quickly and readily to escape the disequilibrium that causes tantrums and crying to enter a stage of equilibrium where vocabulary and intonation are used effortlessly. When my optimism can't solve a conflict in someone else's life (which is rare) or in my own life (which is even more rare), I leave my typical feeling of equilibrium and enter this disequilibrium where I want to throw tantrums and cry because I don't know how to handle it. My mind and my innate personality is literally incapable of processing certain situations; when I feel helpless, I basically shut off.

My mom is the prime example. She has a lot of health problems. And I don't feel that I have anything to say that can make her change the way she sees her situation. So what happens? We fight. Because I'm just so frustrated! I don't even have the words to describe the kind of frustration that consumes me when I'm confronted with a situation where I don't feel like I can really do anything to help.

The other thing? It only ever happens when I can't help people that I really love. If I can't help someone  who I just randomly met on the street? It will bother me for a little bit but I'll move on. But when it's someone close to me that I have spent years of my life loving...it consumes me.