Thoughts of the morning

I just had the craziest moment of clarity ever. I'm sitting in my bed eating breakfast before I plan to go swim for this morning's workout, listening to music, and just kind of pondering life. Where I'm at now, where I will be in the near future, where I will be in the distant future, things I want to try in my lifetime...you know, the usual thoughts people have at 8am (ok maybe not).

And then I had this huge epiphany, and it came to me so clear and so obvious that it even brought a little bit of happy tears to my eyes. Everything I think about doing in my life, not just today but in the past as well, I unconsciously visualize me doing all of those things with Ray by my side.  That's how I know that I want him in the rest of my life, that's how I know he's who I want to marry. Every time I think about wanting to do something, I say to myself, "It would be so cool if Ray and I could do that!" Why? Not because I'm incapable of enjoying things by myself. I've proven that I can very easily do that and grow from it. No, it's because everything is better when he's there. Even if I'm living what feels like the best week of my life, like I did in El Salvador a couple weeks ago, I stop and think about how Ray being there with me would make it that much more incredible. He's the missing piece to my adventures. I want that piece with me the next time I travel. I want that piece with me when I move to San Diego. I want that piece with me when I start teaching. I want that piece to go hiking with me, to exercise with me, to relax with me, to go shopping with me, to be with me to make the rest of my life that much better.

Whoa, right? It's 8:30, and I'm already carrying that joy in my heart for the day. It's going to be a beautiful one. :)

Next Adventure!

I'm leaving for El Salvador this Friday night and I am finally getting excited about it! I've had so much going on the last few weeks that the trip has felt as if it was forever away, but yesterday morning I woke up relaxed and realized I was leaving for my trip in FIVE days! I will have submitted my graduate school application before I leave, my homework will be done, and I will be free to just enjoy my time in El Salvador.

I'm going with a group of people I don't really know, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd consider some acquaintances, but I'm more or less doing this by myself, for myself. Because of this, I can only hope that I'll get to spend some time with my own thoughts while I'm there and kind of "re-find" myself. I'm not lost, but I've been so overwhelmed this semester that I've kind of forgotten how to appreciate myself. I want to read and write and think and just work with my hands while I'm there. I want to leave technology behind for 8 days and just focus on each and every moment of each day.

I don't know what to expect on this trip, just like Costa Rica, other than some new experiences that I want to be as open to as possible. We will be living with a host family, and I want to challenge myself to use my spanish every day. We will be sleeping all together in a huge guest house, I want to spend the nights on a hammock outdoors and reflect on what an amazing life I have been given. We will spend four days building a classroom by laying brick by hand for hours, I want to feel what it's like to put my time and energy and services into something that is going to bring success and education to children for years to come. We are going to travel to Mayan ruins and the National Cathedral to visit the grave of an El Salvadorian martyr, I want to learn about a new culture and incorporate some of their values into my daily life. We are traveling to witness a Good Friday procession, and I want to learn about God. We spend our final day at a beach house, and I want to relax and reflect.

Simplicity. I'm not looking for much. I'm just blessed to have the opportunity to travel twice within the span of a year, and I just crave the new experiences. I'm bringing books and paper and pens for my free time. It's not a break to catch up on sleep. It's a break to live and appreciate every moment of every day of this wonderful opportunity.

I am in a mood.

And it is a not to be messed with kind of mood. I've cycled back into a little bit of that restlessness, but more than anything I feel like I just want to be alone for like...a day. I'm so tired of talking and working and going to class and just going-going-going all the time. But it has always been really hard to be alone at college. Most of the time, I'm happy about that...but it really sucks on the few days out of the year that you would just rather it not be that way.

Something that drives me crazy though is when I give people fair warning that I'm in a bad mood, but then when I do something that to me is completely normal they respond with something like, "Wow, you really are in a bad mood!" Isn't it funny how you can change people's perceptions of things based on one little comment. Like, I could say something exactly the same as I would any other day and someone would laugh at it...but if I said it on a day that I told them I was grumpy, it instantly changes to a negative thing. No more laughing. Whatever.

I'll be the first to admit when I'm having a day where I shouldn't be around people. That's why I'm sitting in my room, on my bed, in the quiet, by myself. It's not for my benefit...it's for the benefit of others.

Nothing is really wrong with my life right now, however. Let's be clear - everything is pretty great. I'm just tired and a little on the moody side. Things will go back to normal once I get a good night's sleep (I'm currently aiming for Saturday night).

I have three jobs - two awesome ones, one super sucky one that I'm pretty much giving up on. I have three day weekends every weekend. School doesn't seem too bad. I'm still going to kindergarten once a week. I'm applying to grad school. I'm graduating in May. I'm going to El Salvador at the end of March (most exciting thing ever right now!!!!). I have a wonderful boyfriend who I'm completely in love with and could most definitely see myself with in the long term. I have the best friends.

Now all I need is a good night's sleep.

Is it possible for life to feel like it's going too slow and too fast at the same time? Because that's kind of how I feel...

An Optimist's Pitfall

I see the world a certain way. I don't see it as full of rainbows and butterflies, but I do see problems as having solutions and conflicts as having resolutions. I am a forever believer that there is a light at the end of every tunnel, even if you can't see it yet.  I never doubt the potential for a situation to improve. That's just how I am; and usually it works out really well for me.

But in one aspect, it will always bring me conflict. In my language acquisition class, we learned about how the human mind yearns to be in equilibrium - it is for that reason that first language acquisition comes so naturally in a typically developing human. The mind wants to be able to communicate, so it learns a language quickly and readily to escape the disequilibrium that causes tantrums and crying to enter a stage of equilibrium where vocabulary and intonation are used effortlessly. When my optimism can't solve a conflict in someone else's life (which is rare) or in my own life (which is even more rare), I leave my typical feeling of equilibrium and enter this disequilibrium where I want to throw tantrums and cry because I don't know how to handle it. My mind and my innate personality is literally incapable of processing certain situations; when I feel helpless, I basically shut off.

My mom is the prime example. She has a lot of health problems. And I don't feel that I have anything to say that can make her change the way she sees her situation. So what happens? We fight. Because I'm just so frustrated! I don't even have the words to describe the kind of frustration that consumes me when I'm confronted with a situation where I don't feel like I can really do anything to help.

The other thing? It only ever happens when I can't help people that I really love. If I can't help someone  who I just randomly met on the street? It will bother me for a little bit but I'll move on. But when it's someone close to me that I have spent years of my life loving...it consumes me.

Looking in from the other side

I went out to coffee with a friend who just finished his first semester away at college. He was telling me about all the changes in his life, breaking up with his girlfriend, his drinking escapades, and the "girl-at-home and girl-at-school" affair he has going on.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely disgusted by him. As soon as I heard the trash about "Well the girls know we're not exclusive," "It's just because I'm bored when I'm home," and "They don't mind," I was ready to go home. I told him that any girl who says she doesn't mind that he's seeing other girls and hooking up with her is lying to him and probably to herself as well. I told him she may think she is okay with it now, but I guarantee she won't be later. What did he do?

Laughed and said "Well you're probably right, but still."

But still what? What is missing in the minds of some guys (and girls) when they understand what bad effects this can have, "but still" they continue to do it? And what is missing in the minds of some girls (and guys) that causes them to believe that they should settle to be one of someone's many?

I know that I was once one of those girls who settled to be one of someone's many. I cannot even list the lies I told myself to justify that what I was doing was okay, or to convince myself that maybe I really was the only one. But now, being with someone who loves and respects me and wants to be with me and only me, I know that there was no justification.

I couldn't ever imagine treating a significant other the way I was treated, or the way I listened to this friend of mine describe his ongoing relationships with multiple girls. It also makes me a little bit sad because before he went to college, he had so much more respect for girls and never would have fathomed hooking up with multiple girls and treating them all like objects instead of human beings with feelings and needs.

It was a bummer to think about, but when he told me goodbye and he'd see me in August, the only thing I thought to myself was, "Maybe."

Happy 2013!

What a happy year it has started off as. I have good feelings for this year. Last year was good to me and I have so much to look forward to this year that I can't imagine it not being even better. Plus, it's really all in the mindset isn't it? Are external things really going to dictate how I perceive a year to have gone, or is it really going to be determined by my choice in reaction to such things? Hmm.

I spent my New Year's Eve in San Diego at a beach house with my wonderful, amazing, and pretty darn handsome boyfriend (first New Year's kiss ever), and I was completely overwhelmed with joy at how blessed I really am. I kissed him at midnight and then looked at him and felt like nothing in the world could possibly be that bad as long as I had him there with me. I could literally feel happiness swell up in my my heart. I love going on dates and having adventures, but I was completely content today sitting on the couch watching football, surrounded by his friends, with my feet on his lap and my fingers laced with his. I didn't have to think about school, I didn't have to think about money, I didn't have to think about work or bills or grad school or problems my family is having. Everything just was. It was what it was and I was completely in the moment and completely stress free.

I cried when I drove away, not only because I'm allowed to be emotional and because I'm not going to see my boyfriend for another three weeks as we both take independent trips back to the east coast, but because I knew I was leaving that contentment to walk right back into the stress and the work and the deadlines and the arguing. It's hard to do that. It's hard to leave somewhere that you want to be with every fiber in your being and drive three hours back to something you were so excited to escape. I don't mean for it to sound like my life here is horrible; it isn't. But my heart is in San Diego.

Whether I want to be or not, I'm home now. In my bed before 11pm because I have to get up at 5:15 to be at work by 7am tomorrow, where I will go back to smelling like bagels and coffee. I have to study for the CSET that I'm taking on Saturday so I can apply to a credential program that I cannot currently afford. I have to go to work again that evening. And then do it all over again on Thursday. So I've got to make the best of it, you know? Like I said before, my happiness is determined by my choices in reactions.

Somewhere in these monotonous schedules, I'm going to start working out again. I have to. I'm unhappy with what I see when I look in the mirror and that makes me sad because over summer I was the complete opposite. I'm going to get back in the pool - even if it kills me. I'm going to start walking, and then jogging, and then running. I want to look like I know I can. Some time between morning shifts and exams and homework and late nights, I fell out of love with being active and being healthy and found comfort in making excuses. That's not me. I can't be an advocate of healthy living and exercise for my little swimmers if I'm not practicing what I preach. So. I'm hoping that by writing it down, and it being the start of a new year, that I will actually stick to it this time.

I keep my New Year's posts off of facebook and tumblr and all that...but no one really reads this thing any more. So...thank you, 2012, for being so kind to me and giving me opportunities beyond what I ever could have dreamed - good grades, the adventure of a lifetime, the love of my life, the best of friends, the health of my family. And here's to 2013 - a year of more love, more friendship, graduation, new starts, and refreshed health. I'm looking forward to it. :)

Money on the Mind

Here's whats happening in my brain.

My mother has a lot of health issues and needs a multitude of surgeries. She probably could have had at least one or two by now...if my family hadn't been contributing so much to my yearly payments for my education at the university of my choice. It's not getting any better or easier for her and I'd being lying if I said I didn't feel guilty. She would kill me if she heard me say that, but I feel like something would be wrong with me if I didn't feel that way. It took me a while to feel the real guilt...like the last few years it was kind of there, but I would still let them buy things for me when I was home. But for some reason this year it really settled in. And I know feel like I absolutely cannot let them continue to contribute to my education. I do not want to be a financial burden to them any longer. I do not want myself to be on the list of reasons why my mother hasn't had the surgeries that she needs.

It's a big reason as to why I've changed the scope of what branch of the teaching profession I'd like to go into. It's a huge reason for why I find myself looking for a third job, yet again, for my second semester of the school year. I'm so close to paying off my debts to them. I told myself that once I no longer owe debts to them, I will allow myself to open up my own credit card so as to minimize any future need to borrow theirs to make purchases for school. I'm looking into different credential programs that allow me to work or attend grad school for free or a very discounted price, even if they will end up taking me a little longer to complete. I know that I will be happy working with children, as long as they are involved in my career, so why not try out some new roads?

I feel very burdened. Again, I know that isn't how my family intends for me to feel, but I'm not sure what they really expected to happen. I feel so heavy, as if there were a literal weight on my shoulders. It's stressing me out and adding pressures to my life that I'm not equipped to handle at the moment, with so many other things going on. I already feel like I'm drowning in school work - other people are talking like they can see the light at the end of the semester, but all I can see are the piles and piles of things I need to get done before then.

Everything is blurry. I'm freaking out about my financial situation and the financial situation of my family and its fuzzing up everything else about my life. I'm being insecure in my relationship because I'm deflecting my stresses onto something that, in the moment, feels easier to struggle with. I need him to reach out and understand that my being this way has nothing to do with him or my feelings toward him...because those things are all the same. I need him to know that I feel like I'm drowning in other aspects of my life and I'm scared that he's not going to be patient enough to wait for me to come back up to the surface to breathe.