The first day of the rest of my life!

Tomorrow is kindergarten Back-to-School night, which makes it my first full day of my student teaching year. And I am student teaching so that I may receive my credential and work as a teacher for as long as my heart desires. I'm so excited, and I am so ready. I don't really even feel nervous, but it probably helps that I'm going into a school where I have volunteered for the past 2 and a half years. I'm just excited to get in there and start learning and growing as a future educator.

A bonus to all of that is that I will also be conducting a research-like study of my classroom through-out my student teaching year. I'm going to get to write about my everyday usage of ACT (active, collaborative, transformative) teaching and learning and journal about the real response I get from one of the world's most honest populations...five-year-olds. Stay tuned, because it's about to get interesting. :)

Leaving never really gets any easier

I cried for a solid 40 minutes on my way home from San Diego. And even now, you could probably look at me sideways and I would start all over again. I don't want to be here without Ray. I hate having to force myself to drive away and leave half of my heart in a place where I want so badly to stay.  I know it's only 16 more days until he's headed back up here and that's significantly less than the amount of days we just spent apart. I get that. But I don't want to wait anymore days. It's like a little heartbreak every time we pull away from each other and start yet another countdown. So tonight my heart is sad, and it might be tomorrow too. My drive to San Diego is such a different experience than my drive back to Los Angeles - but I want both to always be as fast as possible. On the way there, I can't wait to see the love of my life and explore. Coming home, I want to be out of the car as quickly as possible - like ripping off a band-aid - because the sooner the drive is over, the less I think about how stupid I am for driving away from the most important person in my life and the city that I adore. I'm going to bed now, because although leaving always makes me upset and is always hard...I'd venture to say half of that 40 minutes of waterworks was because I'm totally exhausted.

Back to the real world.

Sometimes, my mind is a conundrum

So remember how a while ago I wrote the post about how I don't deal well with not feeling like I can help someone? It's like...my optimism is so stubborn that it can't let go even when it really should so I get thrown into this whole tailspin where I'm at a total loss.

I was just thinking today, as things got a little stressful and overwhelming and I didn't know what to do - I really feed off the energy of people around me. Even if I'm completely uninvolved in the stressful situation surrounding me, I can sense the stress and before I know it, I'm equally as tense and worked up over something that doesn't even affect me.

But the real conundrum part is that when I'm feeling overwhelmed and stressed about other people's lives, I run to a book to read about someone else's stress via writing to distract myself and settle my mind. I don't make any sense.

Serenity

I woke up this morning to the sound of a very loud and repetitive harmonica followed by a squealing of, "MOM! Megan is going to squash my harmonica!!" - 7:30 a.m. I opened my door and heard, "Oh! Goooood moooorning Miss Courtney!" - 7:32 a.m. I ate breakfast and enjoyed a few minutes with the kids before they headed off to summer camp. The house instantly becomes quiet - 7:50 a.m. I pour myself a cup of coffee and head out to the sunshine with a book I haven't been able to keep my nose out of (Teaching with Poverty in Mind). I soak in the Vitamin D while filling my brain with ideas and strategies and excitement down to the very last page of the book, and then it is over - 8:25 a.m.

I'm in love with this summer. I'm not working as much as I'm used to in the summers, I'm definitely not living in the quiet household that I typically associate with summertime, I'm not spending as much time with friends (which includes not spending as much money) - but I truly am enjoying every minute of it just the way it is. I'm learning a lot about myself, what I like and what I don't like, what I need and what I don't need, what's important and what's not important, and I'm having loads of time to think about my future and where I'm going and what I want out of life. I don't mind getting up at 6:30am every morning and going to bed at 9:30 every night...it's a beautiful thing actually. I'm utilizing my daylight hours better, I'm soaking in every moment of sunlight and liveliness.

Bye-bye boyfriend :(

Spain is stealing my boyfriend away from me until JULY TWELFTH! Holy cow, forever away, right? But I'm going to try really hard not to be that clinging girlfriend that's like "Talk to me, don't experience your new country because I haven't talked to you since yesterday!" To be honest, that would really irritate me, and Ray was absolutely the best when I was studying abroad last summer. He was there to talk when I had the spare moments to talk, but he wasn't excessively trying to contact me and get me to stay in to talk to him. I'm hoping that I can keep that balance while he's gone too.

There is one big difference though. When I went to Costa Rica, Ray and I had been seeing each other for maybe three weeks and we weren't even officially in a relationship. We were playing everything by ear. With him going to Spain, we've been together for over a year, and we've seen each other almost every day for the last 8 months. You can't tell me that isn't an entirely different situation.

That being said, I'm having a harder time this evening than I was this morning. 6 weeks is a long time and I feel really torn. I'm excited for him to have this new experience, but I'm a little worried too. He is my rock - and like I've said in previous posts, I just know that he's the part of my life that makes the best situations that much better. I want to share everything with him, and I want him to laugh with me and hug me when I get stressed out, because I know that's bound to happen eventually. But now I just have to be patient and go it solo for a while. I know that I can, I just don't necessarily want to.

I miss my bear. :(

Story of a Swimmer and the Value of a Hug

Here's one of many things I really like about working kids: they are completely unashamed and open with their emotions, even if they have very few ways to express themselves. That's why I think a hug from a child means so much - they don't have very much to give, but that is something they always have to give and it's the thing that means the most for them to give.

I have a little girl on my swim team who has been in my group for about a year. She's eight, but started when she was seven and has never been one of my "stand out swimmers."But she comes to practice regularly and usually has a smile on her face. Her mom says she struggles at school because she gets in trouble often for being too chatty and not paying attention. I see a bit of that at practice, but I also see how capable she is if she sets her mind to something and if she feels that she is experiencing success. It makes me wonder if she's not getting those challenges and that support in her classroom, or if it's just a different environment.

Anyway, her mom recently expressed to me that she was starting to see herself more as a "swimmer," and when other kids talked about their sports, that's how she defined herself. I decided that it was the perfect time to take advantage of this new view of her relationship with the sport, and I met with her to discuss goals. She shared some goals with me and I shared some with her and she said thank you, and walked away. Mom sent me an email the next day telling me how much her daughter enjoyed the meeting and walked away feeling like she had more of a purpose in the pool. Her performances at practice the next few days were stellar.

She swam both days at our meet this weekend and was really focused on each race and performed some of the best races and best stroke techniques I have ever seen from her. Each time she came to see me after a race, I had nothing but praise for her. Even on the race where her goggles fell off and she couldn't see anything for the whole lap, I had compliments for her for continuing to swim and finish the race and for doing her best despite obstacles. She was disappointed in herself after that race, and couldn't understand why everyone was saying "Good job" to her when she felt she didn't do a good job. I think she was able to understand later, but it was almost a good thing that she was disappointed because it showed me and her mom that her races mattered to her and that she cared about what she was doing. Instead of coming to me peppy after each race, she would come to me exhausted, out of breath, but smiling still.

After outstanding races again today, I made sure to compliment her again on a fantastic weekend as she was getting ready to leave, Skittles in hand for a small reward after the bigger rewards coming from her hard work. I was proud and I was impressed and I wanted her to know. Mom and Dad beamed at her and she looked proud of herself, which is my ultimate goal for every swimmer. As I started to walk away, she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big hug; and I just squeezed her close, trying to transfer some of my belief in her into belief in herself and what she is capable of. But that hug meant the world to me because it showed me that something was working. The connection was being made and she didn't know how to acknowledge it besides giving me the best thing she had to offer: a big, grateful, joyous hug.

Support Surrounds

I graduated from college a week ago today! It still feels so surreal. People keep asking how it feels to be a college graduate and I honestly reply with, "Mostly I just keep forgetting that it actually happened." I will remember at totally random moments of the day and just be like, "Oh hey self, what's up? You totally have a bachelor's degree," and then go back to feeling no different only moments later.

The most mind-blowing part is that I still have people coming up to me congratulating me on my achievements. People I didn't even think really paid attention to me have come up and offered their congratulations to me. It feels a little overwhelming to know how many people are supporting me and looking forward to hearing about my successes in the years to come. The outpouring of love I have received from family, friends, and even acquaintances still hasn't ended. I've worked hard for a lot of things in my life, but one thing I've never had to work for and have just been blessed with has been the relationships that have developed between me and others over the years. That just makes me feel lucky.

And I'm already being exposed to the support surrounding me as I take my next step into the future by entering the credential program this fall.  I had elementary school teachers fighting to get me into the school I have embraced as a family for the last three years, and then teachers involved in deep discussion over who would actually get me as their student teacher. I've had current student teachers that are about to finish the program offer me support and encouragement. And aside from that I have all the other people in my life who are reminding me that I am starting the journey down the career path of my dreams, the job that I was made to do.

Onward I go. Don't leave me know, I wouldn't have made it this far without everyone involved. My success is a compilation of everyone's dedication to helping me achieve my hopes and dreams.

Tonight my heart is heavy.

What do you say to your best friend when he loses the last thing that had strong meaning in his life, the last thing that at multiple points was the only thing keeping him afloat? I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to think. I rarely find myself at a loss for words, but I am finding myself utterly speechless.

I'm having a true moment of questioning myself and the world and everything beyond this world. Because this isn't fair; and it breaks with everything I've ever preached or believed and I'm not quite sure how to handle that. Right now, "handling it" looks a lot like sitting on my bed quietly staring into space and trying to muster up some thought-from-shock to write this blog post. If there is any higher power, why is he making life so hard for this kid? Hasn't he paid enough? Hasn't he gone through enough ups and downs and tragedies to be able to experience some real honest beauty and greatness and luck in life? I don't get it. I don't understand why he's being continually tested beyond the emotional stress capacity of anybody else I know. Why won't the universe give him a break? Why can't he get some of the happiness that he is more than worthy of? I don't get it.

I know he's going to read this. He's pretty much my only audience member. But I still find myself saying, "What do I say?" So:

I love you poohad. I wish everyone else in this wild world could see you the way that I do. I want to keep being optimistic and positive for you, but I also don't know if you really want that right now. I don't know if that will help you. I feel speechless and helpless. I'm going to hold your spirits up high for you, and I'm going to sing you the song in your heart when you are unable to do it yourself. The minute we realized our friendship, I knew I would never leave your side, no matter how ugly or beautiful things got. And things are ugly now, but remember that you are never, ever, ever alone.

"There is something you must always remember:

You are braver than you believe,

Stronger than you seem,

And smarter than you think.

But the most important thing is, 

Even if we're apart...

I'll always be with you."

I'm going to go eat away at some sherbet, and I only wish you were here to enjoy it with me. Hugs and love to you mister. I'm holding you in my heart and in my prayers.

Peeved

You know what irks me? When something goes missing and someone says, "Someone stole it!" Really? Really. What is this, elementary school?! I hear that and it reminds me of when I was in school and when I go into the classroom today and a little one goes, "Teacher! Someone stole my pencil!!" and then you point to a pencil on the ground underneath their desk and say, "You mean that pencil?" and they look back at you sheepishly and say, "Oh...yeah."

Why is some people's first reaction to assume that a missing object was stolen??  Like, for what reason do you need to make something such a dramatic event with such an immediate judgement call? I watched a grown man do it yesterday and I shook my head at him. Then, another man came in today and said the same thing to me, about the same object. Because the man from yesterday had spread it to him!! He has no proof that these missing hooks for the pool were stolen, but he goes around preaching it to anyone who will listen anyway. And get this, he also has a "suspect."

Dude. Grow up. You're 45 years old, it's time to get a life.

I don't know what it is. Are people too lazy to look for something they could have potentially lost, so they say it was stolen? Are they too prideful to admit that the loss of the object is their fault, so they have to put the blame on some external force? Are they so bored with their day-to-day lives that they have to invent and stir up some drama to make things more interesting? None of those are valid reason; in fact, I'd venture to say they all make the accuser look like a fool.

Yes, sometimes things get stolen and I'm not arguing that they don't. But when you can't find something for two seconds, or haven't even bothered looking for it....shut your damn mouth and take some responsibility first. Sheesh.

Voicing to Others

In my 8th grade yearbook, my science teacher wrote:

"Speak up! The world needs to hear from you."

How funny that sounded to quiet, insecure, thirteen-year-old me. What could I possibly have to say that the world would want to hear? And moreover, in what world was I ever going to overcome my tremendous fear of public-speaking to be able to tell anyone anything?

The answer to that question, I now realize, is in this world. Yes, I used to get paralyzed when speaking in front of a large group, even a group of my own peers. It was a challenge that I felt I would never overcome. I struggled through presentations through high school and the beginning of my college career. I would sit back down after a presentation where my voice shook, my hands shook, and I stumbled over words I had practiced over and over again; and I would feel absolutely defeated. If I couldn't explain something to a classroom of people, how was I ever going to communicate with the world?

I attribute most of  my growth in public speaking to taking up Spanish with the intent to become proficient enough that I could call it my second language. I would say I'm half way there now, but it's caused a lot more changes in my life that I had ever imagined. It's made speaking English seem easy, not that it ever wasn't, in casual conversation of course. But what I mean is, getting up in front of a group to present something in my native language began to feel much less daunting, because I was confident in my abilities to speak without sounding like a fool. I knew what it felt like to not have mastery of a language, so suddenly it didn't matter who I was speaking to, or how many there are. I knew that I could do it. If I could do it in Spanish, although broken and fragmented, and have people understand me...then I could sure as hell do it in English.

So the first step was feeling like I could speak to a crowd. The second step was beginning to feel like I had something worthwhile to say. That one's been a little slower to develop, mostly because I was young and inexperienced. But as I'm about to graduate, I'm finding that I have things to say and things that I want other people to hear. And it comes from being passionate about what I'm doing with my life. This week I'm speaking at a Reunion/Informational Meeting about my experiences in El Salvador and at Chapel to talk about the same experience and the aspect of community service. And there's a lot more potential for me to do some more speaking - I'm meeting with a professor about the prospect of creating a proposal to add an international aspect to the Liberal Studies Undergraduate program. If it goes through, I'd be a strong force in that movement. 

But I'm not scared anymore. I feel like I have important things to tell people. Things that could make a difference. And the prospect of having the opportunities to share them excites me. That excitement is enough to overcome any nerves. I've finally come to the realization of what my science teacher was trying to impart on me 10 years ago; I just needed to understand how capable I really was. Then everything else just falls into place.

Thoughts of the morning

I just had the craziest moment of clarity ever. I'm sitting in my bed eating breakfast before I plan to go swim for this morning's workout, listening to music, and just kind of pondering life. Where I'm at now, where I will be in the near future, where I will be in the distant future, things I want to try in my lifetime...you know, the usual thoughts people have at 8am (ok maybe not).

And then I had this huge epiphany, and it came to me so clear and so obvious that it even brought a little bit of happy tears to my eyes. Everything I think about doing in my life, not just today but in the past as well, I unconsciously visualize me doing all of those things with Ray by my side.  That's how I know that I want him in the rest of my life, that's how I know he's who I want to marry. Every time I think about wanting to do something, I say to myself, "It would be so cool if Ray and I could do that!" Why? Not because I'm incapable of enjoying things by myself. I've proven that I can very easily do that and grow from it. No, it's because everything is better when he's there. Even if I'm living what feels like the best week of my life, like I did in El Salvador a couple weeks ago, I stop and think about how Ray being there with me would make it that much more incredible. He's the missing piece to my adventures. I want that piece with me the next time I travel. I want that piece with me when I move to San Diego. I want that piece with me when I start teaching. I want that piece to go hiking with me, to exercise with me, to relax with me, to go shopping with me, to be with me to make the rest of my life that much better.

Whoa, right? It's 8:30, and I'm already carrying that joy in my heart for the day. It's going to be a beautiful one. :)

Next Adventure!

I'm leaving for El Salvador this Friday night and I am finally getting excited about it! I've had so much going on the last few weeks that the trip has felt as if it was forever away, but yesterday morning I woke up relaxed and realized I was leaving for my trip in FIVE days! I will have submitted my graduate school application before I leave, my homework will be done, and I will be free to just enjoy my time in El Salvador.

I'm going with a group of people I don't really know, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd consider some acquaintances, but I'm more or less doing this by myself, for myself. Because of this, I can only hope that I'll get to spend some time with my own thoughts while I'm there and kind of "re-find" myself. I'm not lost, but I've been so overwhelmed this semester that I've kind of forgotten how to appreciate myself. I want to read and write and think and just work with my hands while I'm there. I want to leave technology behind for 8 days and just focus on each and every moment of each day.

I don't know what to expect on this trip, just like Costa Rica, other than some new experiences that I want to be as open to as possible. We will be living with a host family, and I want to challenge myself to use my spanish every day. We will be sleeping all together in a huge guest house, I want to spend the nights on a hammock outdoors and reflect on what an amazing life I have been given. We will spend four days building a classroom by laying brick by hand for hours, I want to feel what it's like to put my time and energy and services into something that is going to bring success and education to children for years to come. We are going to travel to Mayan ruins and the National Cathedral to visit the grave of an El Salvadorian martyr, I want to learn about a new culture and incorporate some of their values into my daily life. We are traveling to witness a Good Friday procession, and I want to learn about God. We spend our final day at a beach house, and I want to relax and reflect.

Simplicity. I'm not looking for much. I'm just blessed to have the opportunity to travel twice within the span of a year, and I just crave the new experiences. I'm bringing books and paper and pens for my free time. It's not a break to catch up on sleep. It's a break to live and appreciate every moment of every day of this wonderful opportunity.

I am in a mood.

And it is a not to be messed with kind of mood. I've cycled back into a little bit of that restlessness, but more than anything I feel like I just want to be alone for like...a day. I'm so tired of talking and working and going to class and just going-going-going all the time. But it has always been really hard to be alone at college. Most of the time, I'm happy about that...but it really sucks on the few days out of the year that you would just rather it not be that way.

Something that drives me crazy though is when I give people fair warning that I'm in a bad mood, but then when I do something that to me is completely normal they respond with something like, "Wow, you really are in a bad mood!" Isn't it funny how you can change people's perceptions of things based on one little comment. Like, I could say something exactly the same as I would any other day and someone would laugh at it...but if I said it on a day that I told them I was grumpy, it instantly changes to a negative thing. No more laughing. Whatever.

I'll be the first to admit when I'm having a day where I shouldn't be around people. That's why I'm sitting in my room, on my bed, in the quiet, by myself. It's not for my benefit...it's for the benefit of others.

Nothing is really wrong with my life right now, however. Let's be clear - everything is pretty great. I'm just tired and a little on the moody side. Things will go back to normal once I get a good night's sleep (I'm currently aiming for Saturday night).

I have three jobs - two awesome ones, one super sucky one that I'm pretty much giving up on. I have three day weekends every weekend. School doesn't seem too bad. I'm still going to kindergarten once a week. I'm applying to grad school. I'm graduating in May. I'm going to El Salvador at the end of March (most exciting thing ever right now!!!!). I have a wonderful boyfriend who I'm completely in love with and could most definitely see myself with in the long term. I have the best friends.

Now all I need is a good night's sleep.

Is it possible for life to feel like it's going too slow and too fast at the same time? Because that's kind of how I feel...

An Optimist's Pitfall

I see the world a certain way. I don't see it as full of rainbows and butterflies, but I do see problems as having solutions and conflicts as having resolutions. I am a forever believer that there is a light at the end of every tunnel, even if you can't see it yet.  I never doubt the potential for a situation to improve. That's just how I am; and usually it works out really well for me.

But in one aspect, it will always bring me conflict. In my language acquisition class, we learned about how the human mind yearns to be in equilibrium - it is for that reason that first language acquisition comes so naturally in a typically developing human. The mind wants to be able to communicate, so it learns a language quickly and readily to escape the disequilibrium that causes tantrums and crying to enter a stage of equilibrium where vocabulary and intonation are used effortlessly. When my optimism can't solve a conflict in someone else's life (which is rare) or in my own life (which is even more rare), I leave my typical feeling of equilibrium and enter this disequilibrium where I want to throw tantrums and cry because I don't know how to handle it. My mind and my innate personality is literally incapable of processing certain situations; when I feel helpless, I basically shut off.

My mom is the prime example. She has a lot of health problems. And I don't feel that I have anything to say that can make her change the way she sees her situation. So what happens? We fight. Because I'm just so frustrated! I don't even have the words to describe the kind of frustration that consumes me when I'm confronted with a situation where I don't feel like I can really do anything to help.

The other thing? It only ever happens when I can't help people that I really love. If I can't help someone  who I just randomly met on the street? It will bother me for a little bit but I'll move on. But when it's someone close to me that I have spent years of my life loving...it consumes me.

Looking in from the other side

I went out to coffee with a friend who just finished his first semester away at college. He was telling me about all the changes in his life, breaking up with his girlfriend, his drinking escapades, and the "girl-at-home and girl-at-school" affair he has going on.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely disgusted by him. As soon as I heard the trash about "Well the girls know we're not exclusive," "It's just because I'm bored when I'm home," and "They don't mind," I was ready to go home. I told him that any girl who says she doesn't mind that he's seeing other girls and hooking up with her is lying to him and probably to herself as well. I told him she may think she is okay with it now, but I guarantee she won't be later. What did he do?

Laughed and said "Well you're probably right, but still."

But still what? What is missing in the minds of some guys (and girls) when they understand what bad effects this can have, "but still" they continue to do it? And what is missing in the minds of some girls (and guys) that causes them to believe that they should settle to be one of someone's many?

I know that I was once one of those girls who settled to be one of someone's many. I cannot even list the lies I told myself to justify that what I was doing was okay, or to convince myself that maybe I really was the only one. But now, being with someone who loves and respects me and wants to be with me and only me, I know that there was no justification.

I couldn't ever imagine treating a significant other the way I was treated, or the way I listened to this friend of mine describe his ongoing relationships with multiple girls. It also makes me a little bit sad because before he went to college, he had so much more respect for girls and never would have fathomed hooking up with multiple girls and treating them all like objects instead of human beings with feelings and needs.

It was a bummer to think about, but when he told me goodbye and he'd see me in August, the only thing I thought to myself was, "Maybe."

Happy 2013!

What a happy year it has started off as. I have good feelings for this year. Last year was good to me and I have so much to look forward to this year that I can't imagine it not being even better. Plus, it's really all in the mindset isn't it? Are external things really going to dictate how I perceive a year to have gone, or is it really going to be determined by my choice in reaction to such things? Hmm.

I spent my New Year's Eve in San Diego at a beach house with my wonderful, amazing, and pretty darn handsome boyfriend (first New Year's kiss ever), and I was completely overwhelmed with joy at how blessed I really am. I kissed him at midnight and then looked at him and felt like nothing in the world could possibly be that bad as long as I had him there with me. I could literally feel happiness swell up in my my heart. I love going on dates and having adventures, but I was completely content today sitting on the couch watching football, surrounded by his friends, with my feet on his lap and my fingers laced with his. I didn't have to think about school, I didn't have to think about money, I didn't have to think about work or bills or grad school or problems my family is having. Everything just was. It was what it was and I was completely in the moment and completely stress free.

I cried when I drove away, not only because I'm allowed to be emotional and because I'm not going to see my boyfriend for another three weeks as we both take independent trips back to the east coast, but because I knew I was leaving that contentment to walk right back into the stress and the work and the deadlines and the arguing. It's hard to do that. It's hard to leave somewhere that you want to be with every fiber in your being and drive three hours back to something you were so excited to escape. I don't mean for it to sound like my life here is horrible; it isn't. But my heart is in San Diego.

Whether I want to be or not, I'm home now. In my bed before 11pm because I have to get up at 5:15 to be at work by 7am tomorrow, where I will go back to smelling like bagels and coffee. I have to study for the CSET that I'm taking on Saturday so I can apply to a credential program that I cannot currently afford. I have to go to work again that evening. And then do it all over again on Thursday. So I've got to make the best of it, you know? Like I said before, my happiness is determined by my choices in reactions.

Somewhere in these monotonous schedules, I'm going to start working out again. I have to. I'm unhappy with what I see when I look in the mirror and that makes me sad because over summer I was the complete opposite. I'm going to get back in the pool - even if it kills me. I'm going to start walking, and then jogging, and then running. I want to look like I know I can. Some time between morning shifts and exams and homework and late nights, I fell out of love with being active and being healthy and found comfort in making excuses. That's not me. I can't be an advocate of healthy living and exercise for my little swimmers if I'm not practicing what I preach. So. I'm hoping that by writing it down, and it being the start of a new year, that I will actually stick to it this time.

I keep my New Year's posts off of facebook and tumblr and all that...but no one really reads this thing any more. So...thank you, 2012, for being so kind to me and giving me opportunities beyond what I ever could have dreamed - good grades, the adventure of a lifetime, the love of my life, the best of friends, the health of my family. And here's to 2013 - a year of more love, more friendship, graduation, new starts, and refreshed health. I'm looking forward to it. :)

Money on the Mind

Here's whats happening in my brain.

My mother has a lot of health issues and needs a multitude of surgeries. She probably could have had at least one or two by now...if my family hadn't been contributing so much to my yearly payments for my education at the university of my choice. It's not getting any better or easier for her and I'd being lying if I said I didn't feel guilty. She would kill me if she heard me say that, but I feel like something would be wrong with me if I didn't feel that way. It took me a while to feel the real guilt...like the last few years it was kind of there, but I would still let them buy things for me when I was home. But for some reason this year it really settled in. And I know feel like I absolutely cannot let them continue to contribute to my education. I do not want to be a financial burden to them any longer. I do not want myself to be on the list of reasons why my mother hasn't had the surgeries that she needs.

It's a big reason as to why I've changed the scope of what branch of the teaching profession I'd like to go into. It's a huge reason for why I find myself looking for a third job, yet again, for my second semester of the school year. I'm so close to paying off my debts to them. I told myself that once I no longer owe debts to them, I will allow myself to open up my own credit card so as to minimize any future need to borrow theirs to make purchases for school. I'm looking into different credential programs that allow me to work or attend grad school for free or a very discounted price, even if they will end up taking me a little longer to complete. I know that I will be happy working with children, as long as they are involved in my career, so why not try out some new roads?

I feel very burdened. Again, I know that isn't how my family intends for me to feel, but I'm not sure what they really expected to happen. I feel so heavy, as if there were a literal weight on my shoulders. It's stressing me out and adding pressures to my life that I'm not equipped to handle at the moment, with so many other things going on. I already feel like I'm drowning in school work - other people are talking like they can see the light at the end of the semester, but all I can see are the piles and piles of things I need to get done before then.

Everything is blurry. I'm freaking out about my financial situation and the financial situation of my family and its fuzzing up everything else about my life. I'm being insecure in my relationship because I'm deflecting my stresses onto something that, in the moment, feels easier to struggle with. I need him to reach out and understand that my being this way has nothing to do with him or my feelings toward him...because those things are all the same. I need him to know that I feel like I'm drowning in other aspects of my life and I'm scared that he's not going to be patient enough to wait for me to come back up to the surface to breathe.

I'm still here!

School. You know how it is. This semester is nutty...but it's already almost midterm time! Come winter break, I have only one more semester of my undergraduate college career! Wowzers. Time flies, huh?

I'm taking a moment to write today because I've been thinking about it a lot lately AND I got two classes cancelled on what is typically my busiest day of the week. So I figured I could find some time for a nice little post.

Let me catch my self up before I get back to writing philosophical things...

I have a wonderful, magnificent, cute and loving boyfriend who I can most definitely say that I am head over heals in love with. As of a couple days ago we've been together for five months - five easy, fun, and surprising months that I wouldn't trade for anything else. I'm so excited about the future of our relationship...it feels like everything I've ever wanted and then a little bit extra. :)

I'm working on changing my relationship with food. I know that sounds random and strange, but something changed with me over the last summer and I'm not okay with it and it's reeeeeal hard to change. I just started eating what I wanted when I wanted and not caring about nutritional value...I just wanted things that satisfied my sweet tooth and I got really lazy with myself in caring about the choices of things I was putting into my body. It's like, I went to Costa Rica and ate beautifully for 5 weeks and enjoyed every minute of it, but somehow still turned a complete 180 as soon as I got home. And I didn't even seem to care! Until now. I'm trying to learn how to tell myself "no, you don't need it" again. I'm trying to find motivation to work out again, because I know how I should look and how I want to look and it wasn't what I let myself fall to over summer.

That being said, I signed up for my first 5k ever! It's here at my school on homecoming weekend (in TWO weeks!) and I mostly only signed up because I found out I wouldn't have to pay. But! It has given me motivation to keep running over the last week and the next couple weeks...let's hope I can hang on to the motivation after this race is over. My ideal goal - that I think I need to make less of an ideal and more of a reality - is to do a sprint triathlon. We'll see...

School is hard. But I'm still happy to be doing what I'm doing. My classes aren't bad this semester, just a lot of overlap and some real busy Tuesdays haha. Spanish is the tough one, but again, it's a challenge that I'm accepting willingly and happy to participate in because it's new and it's interesting and it's not easy for me. This is the first year I've taken an actual subject matter class (Literature) in the Spanish language and not been only learning the language. It's hard but I can feel my comprehension level rising at a satisfying rate. And I feel like it was the perfect class for me to transition into after Costa Rica, where I did a little bit of literature study. I wish I could speak more, but I think I'll get more of that in Linguistics next semester. I need to work on vocabulary, that's my real problem. I need to find time to practice and study the language more so that I can be at the level I want to be at.

I'm still helping in kindergarten...but the more I'm there this year, the more I've been thinking about the appeal of first grade. Don't get me wrong, I still love kindergarten. But some days I find myself thinking about the few days I spent in first grade last semester and how much I enjoyed it. I'm looking forward to doing some more observations at that level this year with a different teacher and seeing if I still see the same appeal in it.

My dad is doing a lot better...but I still worry about him. I'll find myself thinking about the possibility of something happening to him, or my mom, while I'm here at school...how I'd get home as quickly as possible, what I could do to help, etc...and I have to snap myself out of it. The cardiologist says everything looks great. But that isn't going to stop me from worrying, especially now that I'm not living in the house anymore. As much as I distance myself from my family, it doesn't mean I don't love them. It's taken me a while to realize it but my independence isn't in defiance of my family; it's just who I am, and who I am is partly a result of how well they raised me. I've always been a little independent in nature, but they helped me develop on that in an efficient and long-term way so that I could be as reliant on myself as I am now.

So that's that. I know I say it a lot, but I'm trying to get back into this. Homework load isn't too big this year...it's just a test of my time management skills. So if I can get some of that under control....I'll be back real soon. :)

What a Summer

I'm writing from the Starbucks patio in Thousand Oaks, sipping a Passion Tea in the sun and patiently wishing that it was already time to move back in to school. Passion Tea...why is it called that? If that's what passion tastes like, then no wonder I feel like I've got so much of it.

Passion for life in general you know. This summer has given me a lot of opportunities to realize how much there is to love about life and to love about my life and the potential that all life holds.

 I went to Costa Rica this summer where I experienced the richness of living life in an almost completely natural way with little to no need for anything materialistic. I saw people living with what seemed to be absolutely nothing, but they still walked with smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts because they were alive and able to enjoy the beauty that surrounded them. I want that. I want that all the time; I want to grab onto it and hold that feeling close to me forever so that I never lose it. I want that life for myself and I know that I'm capable of having it. I didn't finish exploring Costa Rica to the depths that I know I want to, which is why I know I'll be back. But even with what I did get to experience, I felt myself be shaken awake from the complacency I'd settled into here at home.

My dad had a heart attack two weeks ago. MY dad. My 56 year old dad who runs trails up in Arroyo two or three times every week, golfs and eats relatively healthy for someone who is as busy as he is. Talk about an absolute shock to the system. Thank God that there were some angels watching over him that day as I sat clueless in Los Angeles complaining about the heat and my co-workers. I can't say that I've ever been so scared in my whole life as I was when I came home and the answer to "Where's Dad?" was "Courtney, he's in the hospital. He had a heart attack this morning." I've never felt such an immediate pull to need to be somewhere with someone as soon as humanly possible as I did that afternoon. I could have lost my dad that day. And if that doesn't scare the shit out of you and make you value life and time with those you love that I don't know what will.

I spend a good portion of every day of my life with children. I teach swim lessons in the mornings, I guard open swim in the afternoon, and I go coach age-group swimming in the evening. How blessed am I to have decided what I want to do with my life and how I want to spend my career-life; I will be in a career that keeps me young and energetic and reminds me why it is important to have so much passion. Not to mention if I ever feel I'm losing some passion and need a refresher, it only takes a few minutes with a group of kids to reinvigorate a zest for life.

Moral of the story: it was a good summer. I've got some new appreciations and I'm proud of the direction that I'm going in my life - mentally and physically. Life is a beautiful thing.

The Dynamics Have Changed

But nothing makes my heart hurt like seeing my best friend's name show up on caller ID when he's across the country. It sounds terrible to say he never calls unless something is wrong, but it's true. I'm by no means bitter about that; we can text and Facebook chat for days bantering back and forth. When he's home and he calls me - he's bored and wants to go do something. But it's those months that he's away that phone calls turn into worries.

I wouldn't want it any other way, I'm glad that he calls me when he's having a rough day. I just wish that there was more that I could do for him; I will always wish that. No matter where I'm at in my life, no matter how many days have passed without us talking, no matter how far away he is...I will always wish that there was more that I could do for him.